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[sticky post] it's complicated? that's kinda bullshit

I went out with a good friend of mine on one fine saturday
one of the things that we talked about
was about how you should treat the people around you
how you should treat the relationships that you have around you
doesn't matter if it's friendship, love, family and etc
if you care and cherish it... you will do your level best to make it work
relationships are hard work
especially now, when we're older...
we get caught up with our lives...
it's only natural...
it's a natural course of our lives
it doesn't matter whether you're married, with family, attached or single...or whatever
for a relationship to work... you have to care a whole damn lot to make it work

I was telling him the situation that I am dealing with right now
how a super close friend / relative of mine became literally a stranger
yes, she is somewhat like a stranger to me now
when i decided to spend less time with her
we never really did the whole cut-off-ties thing
just didn't contact each other...at all for a few years
after a major incident that she did...
not gonna say that I am not wrong either...
I am no angel for sure...

the issue was that she asked me to help out with something
and i said yes but later on i realised that i couldn't...
so I informed and told her about it but till today, no feedback
i mean, if you're hurt... let me know
don't leave me hanging

after all the 'fiesta' you've done to my family and your family
you should really be glad that i am still somewhat entertaining you
i tried offering something again today...or was it yesterday...
but again... no feedback...
you know what?
I have had it. your choice

call me a heartless bitch if you must
or ungrateful or whatever you want
I don't think I cared as much anymore

relationships are not complicated
it's not complicated...
you just need to make a decision on how you feel about the other person
how much they mean to you
how much you cared
when you don't even bother to tell them things
that you should be sharing with them
it just proved how much I am nothing to you
and I can live with that

that was what I told my good friend that day
I am writing this down because...
as I was telling him about this
i shared a similar situation with him
when I was upset with him

the fact that he reached out
meant a lot to me (no matter how annoying it was)
because it showed how much he cared
how much he cared about the relationship,
how much he cared about us

I talked about something similar
when i met with another good friend of mine recently
she said that for 2017
her resolution was to get rid of all the negative vibes and to spend more time
with people who actually matters and make the effort
basically the both of us have been burnt quite bad
when it comes to people bailing on us

it irked the heck out of me when people do this
where they constantly tell / told me how much they missed me
we made plans and all that jazz
but... the plans usually fizzled and was not realised

on a personal level
I am an extremely passionate person when it comes to stuff like this
i usually will see through it to have it done
I hate cancelling on people and vice versa
especially with no good reason or prior notice
I do not like being kept hanging

growing older and more mature
made me a more bitter and firm I guess?
not sure if I should say I am bitter but another friend of mine
told me that she find me quite bitter as compared to my happy go lucky character
I am still that person
but life and situation changes you

i longer subscribed to the whole 'people pleasing' channel
I mean, I and trying and doing it...it's still a work-in-progress
it's a tough mindset to get out from
since I grew up in this skewered culture where you need to please people
like...all the freaking time

another thing that i learned
was that... I just have to live my life
without really bothering too much about what people think or feel about me
because at the end of the day, these very people
whom i spent way too much of my time thinking about
don't even think about me at all
and that is the reality of our lives
parts and parcels of our lives

no matter how pitiful or bad you feel about you and the situation you are in
remember to never ever lose hope or give up
on the people who don't give up on you
especially the ones who will never ever give up on you.

i realised that.. no matter what I do or say
there are still going to be...
people who will hurt me
people who will break me
people who will leave me
people who will love me
people who will care for me
people who will be there for me

focus more on the people who matter
focus more on the things that matter

no matter how alone you feel
you are never alone
even if you are physically alone
remember that the Almighty will always be with you, always and forever
but do also remember, so is the devil
as the devil vowed to always be with us humans, till the end of days.


"Always remember that even if something doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t mean that it’s not worth your time.”

I do tend to forget to show my appreciation to the people and things that I have in my life.

I regretted not being able to do or say much to / for my late mom. It's a terrible feeling to feel.

It's not the kind of feeling I wish upon even my worse enemies.

Because of that, little by little I try my best to show them how much I care because there is really no shame in telling you family, friends, pets, my acquaintances, those who matters to me, people who I love... I rather live with that temporary shame rather than living with endless regrets.

It doesn't matter if people doubt my intentions or honesty behind my actions and words.

I just don't want to add anymore regrets in my life.

So yes, I love you.

Each and every one of you, in your very own unique ways. Thank you for being part of my life. The good, the bad, the mean, the terrible, the wonderful, the amazing and all that jazz.

If you're no longer in my life or vice versa, that's too bad but thank you for playing part in my life and thank you, for allowing me to be part of yours.

I love you.

#izylyfe #izygetsphilosophical

Don't let him know

She never told her love,
But let concealment,
like a worm i' the bud,
Feed on her damask cheek;
she pin'd in thought,
And with a green and yellow melancholy
She sat like patience on a monument,
Smiling at grief

- Twelfth Night, W. Shakespeare

#izygetsphilosophical #izyvibes #izylyfe

Don't be afraid

As a girl, a woman or a lady
Don't be afraid to feel scared, needy or hurt.
You don't need to be strong always
It's alright to feel delicate sometimes
Life is fragile but beautiful
Don't be afraid to live your life
Just like a flower
Real beauty is in the fragility of its petals.

💐 📷 credit to @soireeandflora

#izytulis #izygetsphilosophical #izylyfe

Bidding addieu to 2016

It's the last day of work for 2016 and I think it's apt for me to post this up.

Growing up I was never the most confident person around and to top it off, I went through depression for almost two years during my college time. It wasn't something that I was comfortable to talk about, obviously. Actually, at that time, I didn't even realise that I was depressed.

So many things happened, things that I don't even remember about. It was right after graduation, when I made a decision to change that. To change my life because I can't go on living like how I did.

Moved to Labuan for a few months right after graduation. Began my very healthy and active life because a healthy mind and to get emotional stability, one must first have a very healthy physique.

Came back home and started working. Since then, I have not looked back (maybe I did digress here and there 😜).

Of course there are ups and downs but good news is, I am no longer depressed. What I learned over the years, in this journey for me to get better was, I must share.

I used to bottle things up and that was the main reason why I went through the whole emotional and mental roller coaster.

So share your stories. It doesn't matter if the people you share with can't do anything about it. All you need to do is share and let it out of your system. It helps. It really does.

My #bestnine2016 photos showed how much I have changed especially in terms of my personal confidence. Definitely an achievement 🔓 moment.

For 2017 I have decided not to have any resolution. I just want to live life to its fullest, for as long as I am allowed to, in shaa Allah.

I love me, you, you, you and you.

You know who you are.

#izylyfe #izygetsphilosophical #izytomodachi #izykazoku #izyvibes

Confession 101

I have been contemplating on what to write
I did have a few very personal thoughts that felt rather urgent or anxious...
It literally screamed and whispered to me that it needs to be let out in the open
There's just way too many things going on in my head right now

Skimming through this blog's older posts...
I was so free...liberated...not confined as I am now
Now, I am basically living in a box...I write within the boundaries of this box
Not a good thing

But being older and more rational...maybe wiser as well..
There's just too many red tapes that I know that I shouldn't cross

These past few weeks has been rather tough and challenging
Both my personal and work lives...if that's even what I should call it
I feel pressured and stressed...
I feel like I whined too much now...
I feel like I had it bad compared to other people
But at the same time, I feel equally blessed and lucky...

It's a very contradicting and confusing and vexing feeling to feel
I can't quite explain it

Have you ever been in this situation?
Have you ever feel this way?

There are things in my life that I don't share with just anyone...or anyone at all
of course, many of us shares this similar sentiment.
there are things that we simply keep to ourselves.

but there are also some things that you share with different sets of people..
that is why it is always good to have many friends...
because no matter how close of or tight knit you are with some people
you can never fully know them...especially when / if they don't let you

I think I have a pretty healthy amount of friends...
each and every one of them are special in their own way of course...
different personalities and characters...
quite a handful actually

perhaps i get along with them all because I am rather flexible and laid back about many things?
not that I am indicating that I am cool person...
contrary to being cool.. i feel like i am the least cool person ever

back to about friends...

so, the ones who are super close to me are usually the people i confide in
confiding my feelings and thoughts with another interlocutor is a foreign concept when I was younger...say college years ...

for example, my EPO, we talk about loads of stuff, educational, lifetsyle, philosophy, anime, the committee of evils, etc

my sengalians... well... we talk about way too many things...let's not go into the details

my girls...school friends...college friends...gym friends...AXN friends...Geng Samosa...cousins...scandal...office mates...flings...bubblegums...acquaintance...

recently, I had a conversation with my dear friend...actually a whole series of conversations
i shared a rather intimate and fragile matter of the heart confession of mine.
it just so happened...this friend was the perfect person for me to confide in, in regards to the topic shared.

we somewhat reflected and mirrored each other.
it literally felt like we are holding the mirror to each others faces, whenever we talk about it

i won't deny that I am a very private person when it comes to this matter
and as much as I have become more open to confide my feelings with friends...
there are things that I don't and can't quite be comfortable sharing
and obviously i am not the only one in this world to feel this way.

the topic was and is not something that I am used to sharing
heck, i don't share it with anyone...not even my closest friends...
I think they are aware and know the general idea of it but not the real extension of it...

this friend or my mirror...
this friend was in the same situation...
only that this person's situation has ended...it has reached a closure

as for mine..it's vexing and perplexing
not something that I want to think about but I can't help thinking about
the feeling and emotions attached to it are also very complicated and annoying, infuriating, most times...
and yet...it has its fair share of fun and excitement..

I know, it's complicated...I don't like it either but at the same time I enjoy it...
I know... it's full of contradiction...maybe I am just into this drama shit

like I needed more drama in my life... pffft....

basically, this friend... experienced it earlier as this person is older than me by just merely a few years...basically the whole been there done that kind of situation

our case is almost the same...similar situation... not the same just similar but it rings a whole lot of deja vu instances when we shared our stories....

oh well...

today i realised one thing...

Contrary to popular belief, guys are not as clueless.
They just act clueless. Girls are not the only master of deception, guys are too.

it's rather infuriating actually.

if anyone is clueless...that would be me...I am as clueless as clueless can get...especially when it comes to my own personal matter of the heart...generally i am not clueless...i just am when it's personal...benda yang kena batang hidung sendiri in short.

it's so infuriating...and sometimes i am angry at myself.

Turning 29 and so on

On 7 August 2016, I turned 29.

I have been meaning to write a post in celebration of my birthday, like what I usually do (I think) over the years. It has been more than two months since my birthday and birthday month but I still think that I should write this post down.

I needed to immortalise the feeling and the things that went on. I should. We all should actually. Call me sentimental but I think it's important to keep these kind of things stash somewhere online or offline. My LJ has been a big part of my adolescent journey, I don't see why I should stop updating it.

On a personal note, it's good to keep a blog as a reminder, as an archive of your lives, something to look back on. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram has definitely made us a lot lazier in terms of writing a proper blog post.

Anyways, let's get back to what I was actually writing about...

My 29th birthday(s), has been rather... intense, interesting, fun and somewhat opened my eyes to a lot of things.

The celebrations were elaborated.
Very elaborated, not something I would expect for my 29th birthday.
I am not ashamed to admit that I 29 years old.
Age is but a number, what matter is how I feel inside.
...I definitely do not feel my age.
always so 'perasan' that I am younger.

The usage of the plural form was simply because my birthday was celebrated for quite a number of times for the whole month of August.

It felt like a whole month of Raya or Christmas morning (if it's in the western context).

In all honesty, I personally don't know how to feel about it.
Obviously I am glad and happy.
What I can say is that, I have the best people around me, in the form of family and friends.

Pre celebration

... the traditional birthday song from my ma. It's been an on-going tradition between me and Sophia. no matter where we are, or how far we are. Shenever fails to be the first to wish and sang my birthday song all the way from the other side of world. And then there was Shiera who also sang for me.

My sis-in-law also gave me an early birthday present in a form of a super shiny gold sequined top that I had been eyeing. =P

The first celebration

...was with my #sengalianextenz on 6 August.
We had Dim Sum and they surprised me with my present...
...and I was made to wear the 'Birthday Girl' sash for the whole day.
It also happened to be the day Pokemon Go was launched in Malaysia.
Therefore, I was basically walking around the Golden Triangle of KL with a sash attached on me.
Not to mention that I was actually wearing a shiny gold coloured sequined top.
Eye catching is an understatement, I kid you not.

The second celebration

... was with my brother and his family on 7 August.
We had very good steak in KL.
Earlier that morning, my nephew actually came into my room...
He gave me a handmade birthday card which he wanted to give the day before at midnight
But since I came back too late, he waited for me to wake up in the morning.
It was an extremely heart warming gesture.
My brother and the wife also bought me a cake.
To top it of, the owner of the steak restaurant event gave me a complementary creme caramel.
We ended the day with a long jog at the nearby park at home.

The third celebration

... not really a celebration but more on getting gifts from my fellow #GengSamosa #keparat
again, I guess they know me too well...
they gifted me with a magnetic pink red-ish lipstick and I absolutely love it
...I am currently very very obsessed about lipsticks...
it really gives me a strong comforting feeling
when the people I work with are considerate and human...
it helps. it really does.
I am forever grateful for this and I pray that it will continue on to be as friendly and comforting


The fourth celebration

... my #GengYBPropa treated me to a great dinner
Amazing food, great dessert, good talk and awesome company
We should really plan for another trip. 😋

The fifth celebration

... my dear cousin included me in her friends' #AugustBabies birthday celebration
it was extremely thoughtful and sweet of her
best part, we had Banana Leaf Rice at Nirwana, Bangsar, prior to the birthday celebration
nothing beat good food, good conversation and good company

Post Celebrations and so on

Went to Phuket, maybe I can safely say it was a birthday trip? It was fun and kinda funky, I guess? Funky because I got bitten by a Monkey during one of my island hopping trip. It happened on the floating Muslim village. What are the odds of getting bitten by a Monkey? These kind of odds often times happened to me, I don't know why, they just do. I think it was the most relaxing holiday, loads of R&R for me, something that I am in dire need of.


...received gifts from Sophia. All the way from Canada. apart from lipstick, I am already quite obsessed with fragrant shower foams and shower jellies from LUSH.

There were a few more meals with friends and families.



I think finally it was the BloomThis flowers in a hat box that I got myself, which my friends still cannot accept the fact that I got the flowers myself. =P


Nonetheless, thank you for all the wishes from everyone.

Thank you to my family, my heart and soul. My brother and his family. My father. I love you all forever and ever, no matter how much we fight, we bicker, I know that we always have each other's back no matter what.

Thank you. Thank you everyone for everything.

fun fact:

1. the present that my #sengalianextenz bought for me was something that I have bought for myself, like...2 to 3 days earlier. Just proved that my #sengalianextenz knows me too well that they bought me something that I would buy for myself. If you're wondering what it is, it was a lipstick and make-up organiser.

2. I actually bought myself a fancy 'something-something' birthday present which I did not even thought of getting myself. Well I did but less fancy than the ones that I got myself. But then again I can't take sole credit over it because my father helped me to procured it. Thank you pa, love you!

蛍 | 鬼束ちひろ


時間よ止まれ、この手に止まれ Jikan yo tomare, kono te ni tomare
一縷の雨は途切れて消える Ichiru no ame wa togirete kieru
誰も貴方に慣れない事を知ってしまう Dare mo anata ni narenai koto o shitte shimau
それを永遠と呼ぶのだろう? Sore o eien to yobu no darou?

思いは指を絡めるように Omoi wa yubi o karameru you ni
この夜を次第に燃やしてゆく Kono yoru o shidai ni moyashite yuku
さようならの終わりをすり抜けて Sayounara no owari o suri nukete
今でも体を抱く Ima de mo karada o daku

蛍、この星を舞い上がれ Hotaru, kono hoshi o mai agare
遠く、近く照らして踊れ Tooku, chikaku terashite odore
その一瞬が永遠だと Sono isshun ga eien da to
貴方は教えてくれた人 Anata wa oshiete kureta hito

時間をとまれ、この手に止まれ Jikan yo tomare, kono te ni tomare
光の影は薄れて落ちる Hikari no kage wa usurete ochiru

握りしめた二人の手のひらが Nigiri shimeta futari no te no hira ga
汗ばむ熱を上げていく Ase wa munetsu o agete iku
側にいて、側にいてくり返し Soba ni ite, soba ni ite kuri kaeshi
今でも悲しみを抱く Ima de mo kanashimi o daku

蛍、この闇を舞い上がれ Hotaru, kono yami o mai agare
涙でかすむ夜空を踊れ Namida de kasumu yozora o odore
その一瞬が何もかもだと Sono isshun ga nani mo ka mo da to
貴方は教えてくれた人 Anata wa oshiete kureta hito

ガラス越しでも構わないと Glass-goshi de mo kamawanai to
あたしは無力さをさらして行く Atashi wa muryokusa o sareshite yuku
愛なんてわずかなものを頼りにした Ai nante wazuka na mono o tayori ni shita
あの夏を Ano natsu o

蛍、この星を舞い上がれ Hotaru, kono hoshi o mai agare
遠く、近く照らして踊れ Tooku, chikaku terashite odore
その一瞬が永遠だと Sono isshun ga eien da to
貴方は教えてくれた人 Anata wa oshiete kureta hito

蛍、鮮やかに心を焦がせ Hotaru, azayaka ni kokoro o kogase
強く、弱く光って踊れ Tsuyoku, yowaku hikatte odore
全ての特は一瞬だと Subete no toki wa isshun da to
貴方は答えてくれた人 Anata wa kotaete kureta hito
貴方は教えてくれた人 Anata wa oshiete kureta hito

Grief by Patton Oswalt


Grief. Perfectly described. Basically what I felt after mama's passing, not completely the same but I can relate.

At the age of 15, I literally felt that my world was turned upside down and crumbled. Wasn't quite sure how to move on, it's not something you can move on, period.

Who I was previously, was not who I am now. I did not share nor even know how to confide in people. It didn't feel like I can trust anyone. I just didn't know what to do with my feelings, how to grieve or how to deal with myself.

I was too busy concealing my feelings and pretending that all was fine, which now I know that I wasn't fine and it was not a situation that was going to get better.

People around me shared the same sentiments, therefore, we did helped patched each others up but of course it was not enough because all of us went through grief differently. Unique to each individuals.

I lost my mother. My father lost his wife. My siblings lost their mother. Mama's relatives, friends and students lost a sister, friend, soulmate,  confidante, leader, teacher,  etc...

No matter how healed I am now, maybe healed is not a good word to describe my current state...

It's more like life goes on and I have to face the harsh reality. Reality is that mama is no longer here and she's never coming back.

I learned that it is perfectly fine to cry to your heart's content and it is perfectly fine to never be afraid to show how vulnerable you can get. It also helps when you surround yourself with people who cares for you.

Don't forget to add in a little sense of humour to get that engine of life kicking. Life is to be taken with a pinch of salt.

The sky is not always blue and clear. It rains, sometimes there will be hurricanes... and sometimes it is a lovely sunny day.

That's life and obviously I am feeling emotional right now.

Izy M

Of looks and all that jazz

My writing mojo has been gone on a trip for quite a while now.

I can't even write anything even when I properly take the time to sit down with pen and paper.

I am somewhat inspired right now to write about something rather real and superficial...and maybe something in the middle.

Went out with my friends yesterday. Touched on a rather normal subject of late. It was an unusual subject for me years ago.

The subject? Skin care, beauty routine, grooming and day to day beautification routine.

Growing up, I was the most tomboyish girl ever, but with long hair because I was not allowed to cut my hair. My mother actually threw a super hissy fit when my sister actually layered my hair.

When I compare the me now with the me then, almost a total 360 change.

I used to swore off make up and claimed that I will never ever wear such thing. But now, I am a total lipstick addict.

I actually started wearing make up when I came back from my first solo trip to Tokyo back in 2008. That was just basically lip gloss and eyeliner. Reason was because everyone in Tokyo was so properly made up and when I look at myself in the mirror or when I saw my own reflections, I looked extremely pale. Definite pale in comparison with the majority of them lovely made up people in Tokyo, that was back in 2008.

It didn't get anywhere with that as I was lazy as in self grooming. The only thing that I did and do enjoy and was rather diligent in doing was hair colouring and styling. I was very into the whole JPOP influences.

The craziest hair colours that I had were basically rainbow colours. Yerp, I had more than 8 different colours on my head. Unfortunately, I wasn't into photography then, well self portrait photography to be exact, so there weren't any photos of my hair colour then.

My self confidence was also part of the reason behind it. Truth is, I don't feel beautiful or pretty or even good enough to be immortalised in a photo. That was how bad my self confidence was at that time.

Rest assured, I am in a much better place now in that department, being older and wiser (kononlahkan) helps. I realised that I am not as ugly as I have always thought of myself.

So anyways, back to that conversation, as we were gradually talking about all those things I mentioned above, it hit me that only then I realised that I have changed so much.

I am taking  care of my skin so much more now. The fact that I am getting older is also another reason to really take care of myself. I mean i have been quite diligent with my facial routine but it has been intensified of late.

So, I was telling my friends that, if you ever meet a person with good skin and they tell you that they don't do anything much, I can bet you, these people are lying.

You can say stuff like that when you're a teenager or in your early 20's. Not in your late 20's and after.

Our environment, the food that we consumed, the air that we breathe, how active we are and the so many other factors... it means that we need to take extra care of ourselves.

I have shared my facial routine in a post before (do look out for it) and I can tell you that is not the most comprehensive facial care routine. I know of many others who does more and their skin are impeccable (I strive to be that, ... I know, such a #firstworldproblem).

My friend said that her routine was basically no routine. She washes her face with normal soap. Nowadays she is actually using good product after she experienced the adult chicken pox and her whole face was... in a very bad condition. Her skin is actually pretty good, it was more about getting rid of the scars left behind by the pox.

For a person like her, she can afford to be so nonchalant about her skincare because she's naturally cute,  therefore, she requires minimal grooming (i am not touching anything emotional or psychological as I am only talking about the surface, things that people see. I don't know how she feels about this whole thing because different people handle it differently).

For a person like me, with glaring disadvantage such as being overweight and not your typical cute, I need to work harder and groom myself to be more presentable. It takes more work for me to be presentable for my own standard.

Don't take it wrongly but this is how I handle and deal with my self issue. I don't groom myself to be presentable for other people, it's for my own self satisfaction (but if it works both ways, so yay?).

Personal beautification  and grooming are amazing, it's  not just about skin deep but it does something to your soul. For me it helped heal and give the boost that I needed to believe in myself. Believe that I am worth it, I am beautiful in my own way (maybe a bit too much that I got carried away when I think I look better than some people, tsk tsk tsk).

I never consider myself to be a girly girl. I mean yea, I am a girl but I was a former tomboy. I was not taught the art of being a girl (all thanks to my 2 brothers and dad who are the epitome of anti-gentlemen, but funnily enough they can be rather gentlemen and sweet to their other half).

My point is, I am a changed person. People will change, eventually, sooner or later.

I never thought I would ever become who i am now.

Perhaps, the nature of my job elevated it (to a certain extend, this is an honest truth because I do PR and communications).

I have basically and naturally phased out of that phase where I care about what people say or think about me. Which means I don't really care that much as I used to (patting myself on the shoulder for getting here).

Growing older, now, at my age, doing the work that I do, surrounded by the people I love, enjoy and want to be with, made things and life better.

If people ever tell you that you're not pretty enough or smart enough or thin enough, you can and should do something about it. Not to satisfy these people but to satisfy yourself and prove to them how wrong they were.

Feed your ego and vanity if you must. But the most important thing, don't lose yourself in this process and progress,  remember to stay humble, stay kind but never a fool.

Never ever a fool.

Me in 2009

Me in 2016.

#izylyfe #izygetsphilosophical


アイジ ナニ = Me!

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