in life, you can't help but be disappointed in people, things, and circumstances... most of the time it is my fault, for putting too high of an expectation and trust to people. what can I say? Life goes on and if you keep moping around thinking about the past and be a pessimist, you miss out on what's in front of you. the very thing that you should care about rather than be all grumpy about. ~sigh~, indeed, life goes on as it does not wait for you 

- Me, March 12, 2012, Facebook status

a bit ironic that I found this on my status....
but it was written because of something else
it was just around more than a week before I went to Sabah

that trip really took a turn on how I view relationships
not necessarily romantic relationships
but friendship wise too

the summary for the trip?
so much for An-All-Girls-Trip
so much for a pre-bachelorette party
so much for all the planning that took almost a year
but thank GOD for good food

Initially I thought I over-reacted
Initially I thought I was being stupid
Initially I thought I was being childish
Initially I thought I was selfish

Perhaps I was selfsh
Perhaps I was all that I mentioned above
Perhaps, yes perhaps

I've never been that girl who tells people
my problems or any personal stuff
well at least not until recently
recently as in the last 2-3 years?

so after the whole...situation in Kota Kinabalu
I came back home
feeling sore, achy, sad, disappointed and utterly angry
mind me,
I have this problem where
I don't feel angry or sad
that very instant when something happens
it's always delayed
I mean the emotions always sunk in later
...basically my body reaction is kinda slow
I guess it needed the time to properly digest what had happened

Kota Kinabalu...ah yes...
it was supposed to be an all-girl's trip
there were 4 of us
it was really, if to put it in a sentence
really is something like a series of unfortunate events
I basically had food poisoning and diarrhoea   
and the morning before the evening flight
discovered that I lost something that is quite important
then, 3-hours before flight
one of us could not make it
because her boss decided to send her for outstation
yes, on that very day itself.
and another friend dropped some news
which I vehemently said 'NO' to

basically...
I  made a scene...at the LCCT boarding lounge
screaming, making a ruckuss and all
but nevertheless
this friend 'buat pekak telinga' 
and basically ignored whatever I did there
as she pursued 
and continued what she said she wanted to do in KK

the first day...
I thought I could handle it
well...yeah I could...initially
the second day?
gosh...it really irked the hell out of me
and my limit was on the 3rd day
I was extremely pissed off

I didn't say anything anymore by the second day
didn't want to comment or be sarcastic or whatever
because it was a holiday and I wanted to have fun
and that's all that I cared
but I guess my treatment to this girl 
got cold and colder by the third day
the other friend just basically shut down
and treat this friend as invisible 

the journey back home was awkward
it was terribly awkward like hell
we were so quiet

I basically kept silent
and did not contact this friend almost a month
within this one month
this friend tried to call me twice..yes...within a month
left some whatsapp messages
some facebook comments (which irked me even more)

was too angry to reply to any
except for facebook
I mean...if this person is/was not even making an effort
to contact me eagerly
why should I even bother and waste my ringgit and cents
by sending SMS and voice calls

she basically pretended like 
nothing was wrong
trying to sound desperately innocent
don't know what's going on and what not
I personally thought that was the case
until an answer came from her
she said "if you want to be angry about what happened, that's up to you"

right...
that statement was indeed the deal breaker
it means that she knew what I meant all along
she knew why I was angry
and yet...
it's obvious she don't think she had done anything wrong
.....even when I had specifically screamed and shouted at her

but then again..
I'm not her
so what do I know right?

as I mentioned in my previous posts
humans are narcissistic and most times
are self-righteous beings...
we can't help but have this holier-than-thou attitude
I admit that I am guilty of this too

but the whole point is...
what makes me even sad was the fact that
in the period of one month
this person who is supposedly to be super close to me
only tried contacting me twice
when we usually go out at least once or twice a week

I realised that
all these while
it was me who had been contacting her
I have been 'terhegeh-hegeh' to be friends with her
I have been closing an eye for whatever she does
so much of me defending her all these while
letting her take advantage of me and selling my name
so much of tolerating her all this time
but maybe perhaps she also tolerated me all this time

I know I haven't been an angel to her either
but...I guess..we're even now
zero zero
and serves me right
because I can blame no one but myself
for all the things that has happened

I have at least two people telling me
"you are not her, so you don't know how she feels and what she thinks"
the thing is
I am fully aware of that
Just that, after all these times
after all these years
after all the dramas

I never thought it would come to this
I mean...I did saw glimpses of it
okay, fine...I saw them...
I knew that it was gonna happen
sooner or later
but I guess I just had that little belief and trust
but still...she disappoints me
again and again
and it has finally came to this
to the extend
I had enough of this shit
I will consider this as a phase in life

biarlah orang nak kata saya over-reacted
biarlah orang nak kata saya childish
biarlah orang nak kata saya drama
tapi ada masa
saya memang tak dapat nak kawal perasaan

so as of now...
I don't wanna be friends with her anymore
since she clearly don't care 
she don't deserve to be my friend
and I don't think I deserve her either...

I am no longer angry
but I am extremely sad, hurt and disappointed
rub it in people
I don't really care anymore

it's not always easy
when you communicate with another person
or at least try to
let's use linguistic term for 'person'
which is interlocutor
I know, when I first heard & read the word
"dafuq?" was automatically played on repeat in my head

I realised something
this blog has always been
about letting go and being emotional
and talking from my perspective and all
sometimes I do share a tidbit of my life

in full honesty,
I shared quite a lot of personal things
maybe not direct
and sometimes direct...
I liked / like making it sound vague and slightly opaque

if anyone ever thought
that I am mysterious
they're pretty far off

personally,
I am like a blank paper
what you see is what you get
and I have a lot of my friends
telling me that they couldn't figure me out

*chuckle*

why would anyone want to figure anyone out?
oh wait, I do...
well everyone does.

this is almost complete very far
from what I originally wanted to write about
I wanted to write about my experience in college
in class

why?
I came to a realisation
that I could hardly remember what I had learned

is that a bad thing?
or is that a common thing?

my degree was
B.A. (Hons) English Language & Communications
the communication part was just very tiny
if I am not wrong (correct me if I am wrong)
the course trained me into becoming
a proper linguist
or a language researcher
rather than a teacher
or a corporate communication executive

it's kinda sad
because I do remember my feelings
the very feelings that I felt during that 4 years

it was fun
it was sad
it was disappointing
it was judgemental
it was confusing
it was informative
it was collective
it was poetic
it was amazing
it was full of crap
it was misjudged
it was happy
it was betrayed
it was the time I got picked on
it was...everything

my time if college
helped me
become who I am today

haaaaa
wanted to write more...but it's getting late
and pretty sleepy...
need sleep
working tomorrow...

good night everyone
or good morning...

just to prove a point on how much
I hate explaining and reasoning to people
especially to the ones who won't listen
to the ones who have made up their mind
and no rocks or wind or mountain or tsunami
can make them change their mind

I don't know how lawyers do it
I don't know how politicians do it
...gosh...I am seriously bad at arguing
never been much of a mouthy person
well, of course I know a big number of people
would beg to differ
especially when they see me now

let's go back to when I was in school
when I was quite 
when I believed action speaks louder than word

it's tiring and hopeless
and most of the time I find that 
arguing, reasoning, and explaining 
are so not worth it
just a waste of my time, saliva an breath

when I say all this
I know it is contradictory
because I was a debater 
and was somewhat a debate coach
albeit not a great one
but I was both a debater and a debate coach

the point is
even by then
I never liked the whole concept of debate
or the whole constitution
of having the opposition and government
(rest assured, this is not a political post)

I have been in quite a number of situations
where I need to defend myself
or explain myself, reasoning with people

in honest truth
every vein and fibre of my body hates it
I hate to fight for something that I know is right
and I hate to be told I am wrong when I know I am right
and the fact was siding with me

I am the type who can drop it
I won't pursue it
if I know I am wrong
or find myself in the wrong
unless I have a strong stand and belief on it
but even with that kind of belief
I tend to chose the quieter end
full stop

I will keep quiet and keep my thoughts to myself
and yes, write it down here

obviously, the word 'ignorance is bliss'
is indeed a bliss
because when you ignore
when you are able to ignore
you basically cannot be bothered 
with anything...which is good right

as far as explaining comes
personally for me,
if it's educational, informative
it is alright...go ahead
but when we explain to let people know
why we did something

it made it seemed like
we had committed a crime
where we need to bail ourselves out 
by simply explaining

I know this post sounded a bit bogus
because how can we not explain, reasoned, argue?
especially going through life
at work, at home, friends, family, or anywhere

this is just my honest opinion
because I detest  doing it
I know to a certain level we do it
because we need to defend ourselves
which I know I do quite alot
because I do have people telling me
that I am a defensive person

well, if you are accused of something
or pointed fingers at...
of course you'd put your shield up right?
yes, I do understand the whole process
undoubtly I know it very well

heck, every human are equipped with this defence mechanism
it's innate, you were born with it

and yes...
it is important...
oh gosh...
here I am trying to be rational and whatsoever
cannot help but ...
and I am fully aware that 
by keeping this blog I am practising
the art of explanation, reasoning, arguing and etc...

so call call me a hypocrite?
 

"Karma is a bitch but it's something that we have to live with. I'm human and obviously not perfect. I make mistakes, I apologise in advance" - me, February 9, 2012


We know this saying about karma is a bitch and all
but in honest truth...
the real bitch is ourselves

I was looking into the mirror this morning
and I saw this girl look back at me
the funny thing is
I know damn well that the girl is my own reflection
but in some weird way
I don't feel or even think that the girl is me

one of the main reason why I looked into the mirror often
and I often find myself staring into the mirror for quite some time
it's really not about being vain or being narcissistic
just simply because I don't recognise the girl in the mirror

Growing up, 
self confidence was pretty much scarce in my life
I do avoid and almost completely forget (or at least tried to) about the existence of a mirror
and the funny thing is
I have two big mirrors in my room
go figure

I rarely talk...
okay, frankly, I never delve too much about what I really think of myself
I mean, yes I do talk about this and that, confidence, positive attitudes in life
angsty, love, family, self and emo stuff
but I realised that I have never really talk about my own self confidence 

to put it in the simplest manner
I was extremely insecure (still am actually)
low self-esteem (improved)
very bad personal body image (somewhat more accepting)

I do get too personal at times
and I sure am aware that I am pretty covert and privy about my personal issues

when I am going through
such weird, emotional, angst filled phases
I tend to keep everything to myself
am pretty good at hiding it and keeping it to myself

however,
recently, I noticed that...
The bubble is somewhat almost burst
it shows through my body language
my speech, my tone, my expression, etc
people around me will often...misunderstood this as hostility

Nowadays, 
I usually warned people around me of my current mood
and I always tell them everything's fine
some ignored me
some understood, kept their distance
some, just doesn't, and felt my wrath (not a pretty sight)

I put on a façade 
looking all calm and somewhat ignorant
when in fact...I know better
trying to be cool (I think I tried too hard)

personally...
as a person
am really not the best person to tell another
on how to be positive
it's a struggle for me

it upsets me when
people think I had it easy
everything seems effortless with me
but I do have skeletons in my closet
not just a skeleton...it's plural

have you heard of this saying?
where you pretend to smile until you believed that you are smiling?
it took me a long while to comprehend the concept
everything is not without effort
it is with tremendous effort
you have to work is you want too earn some money right?

it's also selfish of me to think of vice versa on the others
God knows what these people have went through
in order for them to become who they are today

I never told anyone about it
but as much as I am comfortable under my own skin (well almost)
it irked the hell out of me when people make comments about my size
yes, I do accept it
I do know it's the truth
I am well aware of it
but I can't help but be irked, annoyed and irritated by it
especially when it comes from people who are very close to me

I do appreciate that they are concerned
but...yeah... I know about it already in case you haven't notice

am not angry or anything
just annoyed
I mean, the same people have been saying the same things to me
for like the last 20 years or my life?

I compromised and became more accepting
and managed to really ignore the negative feelings that I was feeling
because...
I simply love food
and I do enjoy exercising
as much as that sound bullocks
but yes, I do
with swimming and badminton being my favourites

my English is seriously in dire need of a new vocabulary
and construction
I think I am only embarrassing my alma matter
well not exactly the institution
more on the degree that I hold...

it perplexes me how some people
can tell me that I am good at something
when I feel so inadequate?

fighting your own demon(s) is really...long and hard
there's no easy way out
there's no short cuts
there's no free way

it's not about making amends with people
(that is something to be done later)
because you need to make amend with yourself first
you need to learn to be more flexible
and forgiving of your own self

I mean...I need to learn all this first
I need to deal with myself first
before I can relate or connect with people

I was told by a wise old man
"awak ni keras hati, tegas, tapi peramah, senang berkawan dan kalau sebagai kawan dan manusia, boleh diharapkan"

in honest truth...I don't agree with everything he said
but I do agree that I have the heart of stone
I guess, all those years of struggling with myself
it built a self-protection mechanism

I don't think I am nice in the first place
I don't even think I am friendly, honestly, really?
I do know that I am a good daughter, sister, friend and person (well at least I try to be)
but a lot of the times I feel otherwise 
I do feel like an EPIC FAILURE in this
can never be that person everyone wants me to be
can never reach everyone's expectations

I guess...it's time...
enough are the days when I bite my tongue
so that I cannot retaliate
the best way in handling all these
is to just be true to myself?

so let's end this with some Foster the People





p/s: doesn't change the fact that I am still insecure, but with better self-esteem and confidence in life...no longer suicidal...ah, yes, I was rather suicidal when I was younger. You know how tempting to have that knife cut through you wrist and how the KTM station just calls you to jump on the tracks? Yes, that kind of suicidal. But then again, there's more to life than being dead right?

had a conversation with my sis-in-law
on me...how was I as a person
what kind of a person am I
what was her first impression of me
when we first met

I first met her when I was in secondary school
she told me compared to who I am now
I definitely have changed

I am more outspoken
literally talks non-stop
now I talk like one talkative 'mak nenek'
I used to be so quiet
so homely
and now, I am extremely outgoing
cannot stand being static or at one place
for a certain period of time

in a way...
what I think happened was
I grew up...
well, d'ah obviously I did...
I grew up really big for sure

It's only natural that we grew up
We can be living in the past
we have to outgrew ourselves

I learned to be more compassionate of myself
not that I was selfless or anything in the past
but I was more easily persuaded and swayed
in a way, I can say I have more stand

what I am trying to say is
I finally put a say in myself
no longer a cowardly person
no longer the bullied girl
no longer the quiet girl
...

somehow writing this down
I laughed...snicker mostly...
because it's quite weird to remember how I was before
and comparing myself now to before
truth be told
am never to fond of comparison
but in life, it's necessary  to compare
as much as I loathe doing it
on people and myself...
things are a different category since they're basically lifeless
but people...is something I really am not fond on comparing
and yes, this includes myself...

somehow...
I realised lately
whenever I write something
I often miss my train of thoughts...
and that is bad because...
I am ending it here

it's true that the people around you 
do have very strong influence in your life
to a point that you get irritated at how much you're affected
for example...
you're mad about something
but you figured that it was not your problem
for you to be troubled about
and if it's bad, you know that you can ignore it
but then came one person
starts talking about it
and this person goes non-stop
keeps on talking about it
and then you thought about it again
feel troubled about it
and get very emotional about it
and thus...get pissed off

my point here...
people around you are like kerosene
and you are like the very small flames
and when kerosene poured over flames
the flames will definitely ballistic
the same goes with human emotions
.............

Recently I realised something
about our personal types
or in a more understandable language
our personal taste on the opposite gender 

if you ask me
personally I am not quite sure if I even have a type
but then again that sounds rather bullocks right?

everyone has type
regardless of your age, gender, personality...etc
you're either well aware of it
or you just don't really bother to section it all out

I remembered that time
when I had a huge crush on Kitoko
which was during my college years
gosh, reading back about it 
I was totally smitten 
and yes, I sound like any other normal girl who were smitten
being human and alive is amazing, true story

speaking about relationship
I would be the least expert in it
especially when I am not that well versed in it
or in short, not that very experienced 
(truth is, I don't kiss and tell, to the extend that no one has a clue regarding my status, which I do not intend to start telling people about it)

One thing I am quite good at
is spotting other people's personal preferences on the opposite gender
this might come out vain,
but I think I am actually pretty darn good about it

when some tells you that looks does not matter
maybe a tiny percent of their system is telling the truth
but the rest, I have my doubts (most of the times my doubts triumphed over my trust over these people, no matter how much I love them)
and yes, everyone is always out trying to find the 'ONE'
their perfect match

point is, 
human is already Allah's most perfect creation
no matter what is your appearances
you are perfect
we are perfect
and that is why
beauty is in the eyes of its beholder

For example,
my brothers and guy cousins

my eldest brother (EB) and my cousin F
loves their women with a bit more flesh (must not be stick thin)
must be very fair (typical of any Malaysian men, especially Malays)
must be of considerable heights (EB is around 6 feet tall, F is at leat 5'7)
must not be short
must not be petite
must be above average in terms of their looks (in short, must be pretty)
must not look typical Malay

my 2nd brother (2B)
loves his women to be skinny by curvaceous
must be fair
must have long hair (dyed blonde preferably)
must be petite but not short
must be pretty
must be fit with no fats
must have the whole package
must be independent

another cousin D
the girl must be hot
must be outgoing
must be stylish
must always be made-up all the time
must be model like

some of my guy friends
must wear hijab
must be petite
must be slim
must be soft-spoken
must have Chinese looks
must be fair
must be very pretty
must look like one of the girls from SNSD (Girl's Generation, a very popular girl band in Korea)

the biggest no-no for the boys
very common traits that I have witnessed from each and everyone of these boys
they cannot accept if the girl is dark-skin
cannot be fat
cannot be loud (unless the girl looks like Yoona or Hannah Tan)
in some circumstances
the girls can be of above average in terms of appearance
as long as they are not
no matter if the girl is not much of a looker

and a woman is always 10x attractive 
when they are other people's girlfriends
this is the number one most attractive factor

This is just a generalisation
I'm just giving stereotypes
based on my observations that I gathered
from the guys, and boys whom I am acquainted with

so what about the femme / women / girls?
well, we talked about it in a daily basis
regardless if she's already married or in a committed relationship

so does the type
tall, dark and handsome still applies?
well, I think it does
...
you know what...
I seemed to have lost my modjo to write right now
I think i will continue later...

Yesterday morning...
oh yeah, it was Christmas
so yes...Happy Christmas everyone!

anyway, yesterday morning
went to the market...haven't been there for ages
I have this certain sense of fondness for normal wet markets
rather than glitzy supermarkets

one is because of the people there
the uncle who sells fish
my late mother has been his loyal customer her whole life
and the fact that she taught all of the children
and I happened to be in the same class
with the youngest daughter during primary school

second is the aunty who sells veggies
the uncle who sells coconut milk
the uncle who sells mutton
the uncle who sells chicken
the friends that I made while doing my shopping
and the relatives that I see around

it's a small treasure
I mean it's a small community of sellers
whom I have grown quite attached to
I practically grew up seeing them
more frequent when my mother was around

the trigger that made me wanted to write this post
is because ...
the coconut milk uncle
told me that I looked radiant and happy
I was rather taken aback
and I took around 10 seconds to thanked him

then he asked...
"I wonder why the happy face? You look so much radiant and cheerful."

and that was it
that made me ponder
so I ponder and ponder
I guess it is because of the changed of my perspectives in life

in the last few months of my degree
I made a pack to myself
that after I am done with college
I will make a change in my life

hence, my trip to Labuan
and I stayed there for almost 3 months
exercised, became a gym junkie

during that period in Labuan
I became extremely obsessed with gym
exercising, my weight and losing weight
that was what I did for the period I was in Labuan
yes I was and still is overweight, in case you're wondering
but I did managed to lose more than 20KGs of my former weight

my schedule was packed
wake up, breakfast with protein shake and water
treadmill for 1 hour, bicycle for 1 hour, weights for 0.5 hour
150 sit ups, half an hour sauna
then lunch with protein shake, 2 eggs / 2 pieces of chicken / fish and veggies
take a nap
after nap, have some snacks (fruits or nuts)
then gym at night
1 hour of treadmill and sauna for 20 mins
dinner, protein shake, chicken / beef / fish  and veggies
or some times when I got upset with the weighing machine
I would skip dinner or I would munch on fruits and nuts

that was what I did for 2 months and a half.
with the occasional dinner treats and movies 
during the school holidays my little cousin would jog with me
our jogging would be at least around 23KM each time we went for jogging

since I am heavy
I can't really run for long
to be safe and make sure I don't injure myself
I brisk walk

and when I came back from Labuan...
how things seems to changed

it's not really because things changed
more because I have changed
perspective was different

as human,
I think  we all need time out
we need to do alot of self-reflections
and that was pretty much what I did

personally,
I realised now 
we need to have our own private quiet time
time you need to spend just for yourself
I used to think that sounded selfish
but you know
at the end of the
the person who really matters most in your life
is you

so I need to take better care of myself
when I managed to take care of myself
I can take care of other people
the people who matters in my life

I guess that's one way to put it
on why the uncle thought I looked better

I mean, it's inevitable for us human 
to be rid and often troubled by problems 
but it's how you live your life now,
is really matters

don't you think so?
so yes...I do think all of this things do make up
on how I became a better person
I hope
I can only hope
with the changes
I became a better person
I am sorry if along the way 
you might not like me
or find me stand of fish

it's just that 
I learned to take care of myself better
and speak out what's really on my mind

kalau ada yang salah semua dari saya
dan segala yang baik semua dari Allah
saya seorang manusia
memang tak akan lari dari membuat kesilapan
di mana saya ada melakukan kesilapan
dan tersalah kata
saya mohon maaf
dan saya akan berusaha dan berdoa
agar dapat menjadi seorang 
manusia, adik, kakak, perempuan, muslimah yang lebih baik 
manusia yang lebih baik di dunia ini

insyaallah...

=)

Am not one to go for new year's resolution or anything that sort
because first of all
am not good at keeping them
not good and fulfilling them
Was listening to FlyFM
The Pagi Rock Crew started this New Year's Wish thing

which I find is very noble and sweet of them to do so
so yes...
as I am not much of a new year's resolution kind of girl
maybe I'll go for what I want to achieve
and give myself some time span
yeah, that ought to do it
and am also setting some goals in my life

as much as I don't like to plan
I do plan...
maybe not in details
but at least a frame would do
a simple guideline
and how to get there...
I usually accomplish or get to where I am now
through...following the flow

because things change
things can and will change
it's not ideal to have everything planned in detail
but it is best and awesome to have a goal
so here's a list of the goals that I want in my life

as at DECEMBER 14, 2011, Wednesday, and I am 24 years old

1. Buy my own house with my own hard earn money (checking out the Skim Rumah Pertamaku & PR1MA, I don't earn that much, which is a better for me?)
2. Travel the world (at least to two-three more continents before I turn 30)
3. Go Umrah / Haji with my father
4. Publish a book
5. Settle down (well, yeah of course, not now but maybe someday. when I think I am ready)
6. Be a successful person (in life, in love, in relationships, in friendship, in self-enrichment, in career, in spiritual, in religion)

I guess that's about it
the time span I set on myself
is unlimited
as much as time is gold and time is money
I think the best way in achieving your goal
is to simply live life
live at the moment
don't dwell on the past (of course we can't help but do)
because I believed that
when one door closes
another and bigger ones would open