I have been contemplating on what to write
I did have a few very personal thoughts that felt rather urgent or anxious...
It literally screamed and whispered to me that it needs to be let out in the open
There's just way too many things going on in my head right now
Skimming through this blog's older posts...
I was so free...liberated...not confined as I am now
Now, I a basically living in a box...I write within the boundaries of this box
Not a good thing
But being older and more rational...maybe wiser as well..
There's just too many red tapes that I know that I shouldn't cross
These past few weeks has been rather tough and challenging
Both my personal and work lives...if that's even what I should call it
I feel pressured and stressed...
I feel like I whined too much now...
I feel like I had it bad compared to other people
But at the same time, I feel equally blessed and lucky...
It's a very contradicting and confusing and vexing feeling to feel
I can't quite explain it
Have you ever been in this situation?
Have you ever feel this way?
There are things in my life that I don't share with just anyone...or anyone at all
of course, many of us shares this similar sentiment.
there are things that we simply keep to ourselves.
but there are also some things that you share with different sets of people..
that is why it is always good to have many friends...
because no matter how close of or tight knit you are with some people
you can never fully know them...especially when / if they don't let you
I think I have a pretty healthy amount of friends...
each and every one of them are special in their own way of course...
different personalities and characters...
quite a handful actually
perhaps i get along with them all because I am rather flexible and laid back about many things?
not that I am indicating that I am cool person...
contrary to being cool.. i feel like i am the least cool person ever
back to about friends...
so, the ones who are super close to me are usually the people i confide in
confiding my feelings and thoughts with another interlocutor is a foreign concept when I was younger...say college years ...
for example, my EPO, we talk about loads of stuff, educational, lifetsyle, philosophy, anime, the committee of evils, etc
my sengalians... well... we talk about way too many things...let's not go into the details
my girls...school friends...college friends...gym friends...AXN friends...Geng Samosa...cousins...scandal...office mates...flings...bubblegums...acquaintan
recently, I had a conversation with my dear friend...actually a whole series of conversations
i shared a rather intimate and fragile matter of the heart confession of mine.
it just so happened...this friend was the perfect person for me to confide in, in regards to the topic shared.
we somewhat reflected and mirrored each other.
it literally felt like we are holding the mirror to each others faces, whenever we talk about it
i won't deny that I am a very private person when it comes to this matter
and as much as I have become more open to confide my feelings with friends...
there are things that I don't and can't quite be comfortable sharing
and obviously i am not the only one in this world to feel this way.
the topic was and is not something that I am used to sharing
heck, i don't share it with anyone...not even my closest friends...
I think they are aware and know the general idea of it but not the real extension of it...
this friend or my mirror...
this friend was in the same situation...
only that this person's situation has ended...it has reached a closure
as for mine..it's vexing and perplexing
not something that I want to think about but I can't help thinking about
the feeling and emotions attached to it are also very complicated and annoying, infuriating, most times...
and yet...it has its fair share of fun and excitement..
I know, it's complicated...I don't like it either but at the same time I enjoy it...
I know... it's full of contradiction...maybe I am just into this drama shit
like I needed more drama in my life... pffft....
basically, this friend... experienced it earlier as this person is older than me by just merely a few years...basically the whole been there done that kind of situation
our case is almost the same...similar situation... not the same just similar but it rings a whole lot of deja vu instances when we shared our stories....
today i realised one thing...
Contrary to popular belief, guys are not as clueless.
They just act clueless. Girls are not the only master of deception, guys are too.
it's rather infuriating actually.
if anyone is clueless...that would be me...I am as clueless as clueless can get...especially when it comes to my own personal matter of the heart...generally i am not clueless...i just am when it's personal...benda yang kena batang hidung sendiri in short.
it's so infuriating...and sometimes i am angry at myself.
- Current Music:Real Love - Florrie
I have been meaning to write a post in celebration of my birthday, like what I usually do (I think) over the years. It has been more than two months since my birthday and birthday month but I still think that I should write this post down.
I needed to immortalise the feeling and the things that went on. I should. We all should actually. Call me sentimental but I think it's important to keep these kind of things stash somewhere online or offline. My LJ has been a big part of my adolescent journey, I don't see why I should stop updating it.
On a personal note, it's good to keep a blog as a reminder, as an archive of your lives, something to look back on. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram has definitely made us a lot lazier in terms of writing a proper blog post.
Anyways, let's get back to what I was actually writing about...
My 29th birthday(s), has been rather... intense, interesting, fun and somewhat opened my eyes to a lot of things.
The celebrations were elaborated.
Very elaborated, not something I would expect for my 29th birthday.
I am not ashamed to admit that I 29 years old.
Age is but a number, what matter is how I feel inside.
...I definitely do not feel my age.
always so 'perasan' that I am younger.
The usage of the plural form was simply because my birthday was celebrated for quite a number of times for the whole month of August.
It felt like a whole month of Raya or Christmas morning (if it's in the western context).
In all honesty, I personally don't know how to feel about it.
Obviously I am glad and happy.
What I can say is that, I have the best people around me, in the form of family and friends.
... the traditional birthday song from my ma. It's been an on-going tradition between me and Sophia. no matter where we are, or how far we are. Shenever fails to be the first to wish and sang my birthday song all the way from the other side of world. And then there was Shiera who also sang for me.
My sis-in-law also gave me an early birthday present in a form of a super shiny gold sequined top that I had been eyeing. =P
The first celebration
...was with my #sengalianextenz on 6 August.
We had Dim Sum and they surprised me with my present...
...and I was made to wear the 'Birthday Girl' sash for the whole day.
It also happened to be the day Pokemon Go was launched in Malaysia.
Therefore, I was basically walking around the Golden Triangle of KL with a sash attached on me.
Not to mention that I was actually wearing a shiny gold coloured sequined top.
Eye catching is an understatement, I kid you not.
The second celebration
... was with my brother and his family on 7 August.
We had very good steak in KL.
Earlier that morning, my nephew actually came into my room...
He gave me a handmade birthday card which he wanted to give the day before at midnight
But since I came back too late, he waited for me to wake up in the morning.
It was an extremely heart warming gesture.
My brother and the wife also bought me a cake.
To top it of, the owner of the steak restaurant event gave me a complementary creme caramel.
We ended the day with a long jog at the nearby park at home.
The third celebration
... not really a celebration but more on getting gifts from my fellow #GengSamosa #keparat
again, I guess they know me too well...
they gifted me with a magnetic pink red-ish lipstick and I absolutely love it
...I am currently very very obsessed about lipsticks...
it really gives me a strong comforting feeling
when the people I work with are considerate and human...
it helps. it really does.
I am forever grateful for this and I pray that it will continue on to be as friendly and comforting
The fourth celebration
... my #GengYBPropa treated me to a great dinner
Amazing food, great dessert, good talk and awesome company
We should really plan for another trip. 😋
The fifth celebration
... my dear cousin included me in her friends' #AugustBabies birthday celebration
it was extremely thoughtful and sweet of her
best part, we had Banana Leaf Rice at Nirwana, Bangsar, prior to the birthday celebration
nothing beat good food, good conversation and good company
Post Celebrations and so on
Went to Phuket, maybe I can safely say it was a birthday trip? It was fun and kinda funky, I guess? Funky because I got bitten by a Monkey during one of my island hopping trip. It happened on the floating Muslim village. What are the odds of getting bitten by a Monkey? These kind of odds often times happened to me, I don't know why, they just do. I think it was the most relaxing holiday, loads of R&R for me, something that I am in dire need of.
...received gifts from Sophia. All the way from Canada. apart from lipstick, I am already quite obsessed with fragrant shower foams and shower jellies from LUSH.
There were a few more meals with friends and families.
I think finally it was the BloomThis flowers in a hat box that I got myself, which my friends still cannot accept the fact that I got the flowers myself. =P
Nonetheless, thank you for all the wishes from everyone.
Thank you to my family, my heart and soul. My brother and his family. My father. I love you all forever and ever, no matter how much we fight, we bicker, I know that we always have each other's back no matter what.
Thank you. Thank you everyone for everything.
1. the present that my #sengalianextenz bought for me was something that I have bought for myself, like...2 to 3 days earlier. Just proved that my #sengalianextenz knows me too well that they bought me something that I would buy for myself. If you're wondering what it is, it was a lipstick and make-up organiser.
2. I actually bought myself a fancy 'something-something' birthday present which I did not even thought of getting myself. Well I did but less fancy than the ones that I got myself. But then again I can't take sole credit over it because my father helped me to procured it. Thank you pa, love you!
- Current Mood:Optimistics
- Current Music:With You - De Famm feat. Brandon Beal
時間よ止まれ、この手に止まれ Jikan yo tomare, kono te ni tomare
一縷の雨は途切れて消える Ichiru no ame wa togirete kieru
誰も貴方に慣れない事を知ってしまう Dare mo anata ni narenai koto o shitte shimau
それを永遠と呼ぶのだろう？ Sore o eien to yobu no darou?
思いは指を絡めるように Omoi wa yubi o karameru you ni
この夜を次第に燃やしてゆく Kono yoru o shidai ni moyashite yuku
さようならの終わりをすり抜けて Sayounara no owari o suri nukete
今でも体を抱く Ima de mo karada o daku
蛍、この星を舞い上がれ Hotaru, kono hoshi o mai agare
遠く、近く照らして踊れ Tooku, chikaku terashite odore
その一瞬が永遠だと Sono isshun ga eien da to
貴方は教えてくれた人 Anata wa oshiete kureta hito
時間をとまれ、この手に止まれ Jikan yo tomare, kono te ni tomare
光の影は薄れて落ちる Hikari no kage wa usurete ochiru
握りしめた二人の手のひらが Nigiri shimeta futari no te no hira ga
汗ばむ熱を上げていく Ase wa munetsu o agete iku
側にいて、側にいてくり返し Soba ni ite, soba ni ite kuri kaeshi
今でも悲しみを抱く Ima de mo kanashimi o daku
蛍、この闇を舞い上がれ Hotaru, kono yami o mai agare
涙でかすむ夜空を踊れ Namida de kasumu yozora o odore
その一瞬が何もかもだと Sono isshun ga nani mo ka mo da to
貴方は教えてくれた人 Anata wa oshiete kureta hito
ガラス越しでも構わないと Glass-goshi de mo kamawanai to
あたしは無力さをさらして行く Atashi wa muryokusa o sareshite yuku
愛なんてわずかなものを頼りにした Ai nante wazuka na mono o tayori ni shita
あの夏を Ano natsu o
蛍、この星を舞い上がれ Hotaru, kono hoshi o mai agare
遠く、近く照らして踊れ Tooku, chikaku terashite odore
その一瞬が永遠だと Sono isshun ga eien da to
貴方は教えてくれた人 Anata wa oshiete kureta hito
蛍、鮮やかに心を焦がせ Hotaru, azayaka ni kokoro o kogase
強く、弱く光って踊れ Tsuyoku, yowaku hikatte odore
全ての特は一瞬だと Subete no toki wa isshun da to
貴方は答えてくれた人 Anata wa kotaete kureta hito
貴方は教えてくれた人 Anata wa oshiete kureta hito
Grief. Perfectly described. Basically what I felt after mama's passing, not completely the same but I can relate.
At the age of 15, I literally felt that my world was turned upside down and crumbled. Wasn't quite sure how to move on, it's not something you can move on, period.
Who I was previously, was not who I am now. I did not share nor even know how to confide in people. It didn't feel like I can trust anyone. I just didn't know what to do with my feelings, how to grieve or how to deal with myself.
I was too busy concealing my feelings and pretending that all was fine, which now I know that I wasn't fine and it was not a situation that was going to get better.
People around me shared the same sentiments, therefore, we did helped patched each others up but of course it was not enough because all of us went through grief differently. Unique to each individuals.
I lost my mother. My father lost his wife. My siblings lost their mother. Mama's relatives, friends and students lost a sister, friend, soulmate, confidante, leader, teacher, etc...
No matter how healed I am now, maybe healed is not a good word to describe my current state...
It's more like life goes on and I have to face the harsh reality. Reality is that mama is no longer here and she's never coming back.
I learned that it is perfectly fine to cry to your heart's content and it is perfectly fine to never be afraid to show how vulnerable you can get. It also helps when you surround yourself with people who cares for you.
Don't forget to add in a little sense of humour to get that engine of life kicking. Life is to be taken with a pinch of salt.
The sky is not always blue and clear. It rains, sometimes there will be hurricanes... and sometimes it is a lovely sunny day.
That's life and obviously I am feeling emotional right now.
My writing mojo has been gone on a trip for quite a while now.
I can't even write anything even when I properly take the time to sit down with pen and paper.
I am somewhat inspired right now to write about something rather real and superficial...and maybe something in the middle.
Went out with my friends yesterday. Touched on a rather normal subject of late. It was an unusual subject for me years ago.
The subject? Skin care, beauty routine, grooming and day to day beautification routine.
Growing up, I was the most tomboyish girl ever, but with long hair because I was not allowed to cut my hair. My mother actually threw a super hissy fit when my sister actually layered my hair.
When I compare the me now with the me then, almost a total 360 change.
I used to swore off make up and claimed that I will never ever wear such thing. But now, I am a total lipstick addict.
I actually started wearing make up when I came back from my first solo trip to Tokyo back in 2008. That was just basically lip gloss and eyeliner. Reason was because everyone in Tokyo was so properly made up and when I look at myself in the mirror or when I saw my own reflections, I looked extremely pale. Definite pale in comparison with the majority of them lovely made up people in Tokyo, that was back in 2008.
It didn't get anywhere with that as I was lazy as in self grooming. The only thing that I did and do enjoy and was rather diligent in doing was hair colouring and styling. I was very into the whole JPOP influences.
The craziest hair colours that I had were basically rainbow colours. Yerp, I had more than 8 different colours on my head. Unfortunately, I wasn't into photography then, well self portrait photography to be exact, so there weren't any photos of my hair colour then.
My self confidence was also part of the reason behind it. Truth is, I don't feel beautiful or pretty or even good enough to be immortalised in a photo. That was how bad my self confidence was at that time.
Rest assured, I am in a much better place now in that department, being older and wiser (kononlahkan) helps. I realised that I am not as ugly as I have always thought of myself.
So anyways, back to that conversation, as we were gradually talking about all those things I mentioned above, it hit me that only then I realised that I have changed so much.
I am taking care of my skin so much more now. The fact that I am getting older is also another reason to really take care of myself. I mean i have been quite diligent with my facial routine but it has been intensified of late.
So, I was telling my friends that, if you ever meet a person with good skin and they tell you that they don't do anything much, I can bet you, these people are lying.
You can say stuff like that when you're a teenager or in your early 20's. Not in your late 20's and after.
Our environment, the food that we consumed, the air that we breathe, how active we are and the so many other factors... it means that we need to take extra care of ourselves.
I have shared my facial routine in a post before (do look out for it) and I can tell you that is not the most comprehensive facial care routine. I know of many others who does more and their skin are impeccable (I strive to be that, ... I know, such a #firstworldproblem).
My friend said that her routine was basically no routine. She washes her face with normal soap. Nowadays she is actually using good product after she experienced the adult chicken pox and her whole face was... in a very bad condition. Her skin is actually pretty good, it was more about getting rid of the scars left behind by the pox.
For a person like her, she can afford to be so nonchalant about her skincare because she's naturally cute, therefore, she requires minimal grooming (i am not touching anything emotional or psychological as I am only talking about the surface, things that people see. I don't know how she feels about this whole thing because different people handle it differently).
For a person like me, with glaring disadvantage such as being overweight and not your typical cute, I need to work harder and groom myself to be more presentable. It takes more work for me to be presentable for my own standard.
Don't take it wrongly but this is how I handle and deal with my self issue. I don't groom myself to be presentable for other people, it's for my own self satisfaction (but if it works both ways, so yay?).
Personal beautification and grooming are amazing, it's not just about skin deep but it does something to your soul. For me it helped heal and give the boost that I needed to believe in myself. Believe that I am worth it, I am beautiful in my own way (maybe a bit too much that I got carried away when I think I look better than some people, tsk tsk tsk).
I never consider myself to be a girly girl. I mean yea, I am a girl but I was a former tomboy. I was not taught the art of being a girl (all thanks to my 2 brothers and dad who are the epitome of anti-gentlemen, but funnily enough they can be rather gentlemen and sweet to their other half).
My point is, I am a changed person. People will change, eventually, sooner or later.
I never thought I would ever become who i am now.
Perhaps, the nature of my job elevated it (to a certain extend, this is an honest truth because I do PR and communications).
I have basically and naturally phased out of that phase where I care about what people say or think about me. Which means I don't really care that much as I used to (patting myself on the shoulder for getting here).
Growing older, now, at my age, doing the work that I do, surrounded by the people I love, enjoy and want to be with, made things and life better.
If people ever tell you that you're not pretty enough or smart enough or thin enough, you can and should do something about it. Not to satisfy these people but to satisfy yourself and prove to them how wrong they were.
Feed your ego and vanity if you must. But the most important thing, don't lose yourself in this process and progress, remember to stay humble, stay kind but never a fool.
Never ever a fool.
Me in 2009
Me in 2016.
- Current Mood:fabulous
- Current Music:Jomblo Happy - Gamma1
Dear current PM, your recent statement regarding how your predecessor was at fault for the current transportation woes... was uncalled for.
As a resident of this beautiful country, I am very frustrated and sad with the current situation of this country.
Initially, I had high hopes for you to lead and become the next great leader of Malaysia. You, a pedigree of great lineage. Most Chinese people in business thought that our current Pm would thrive because of his somewhat aristocratic blood. Financial gains will not be part of his agenda and he can focus solely on the country's development and prosperity. I would even vote for you if I could (but that was then).
I agree that our past Prime Ministers were not completely innocent or fault free. I am not that naive because I do understand how politics work.
Maybe it is true that my beloved Tun M has a personal vendetta and bitter with Jibby (as what jibby supporters says about the former premier) but for Jibby to outright crossed Tun M the way that he did, that is so not cool.
For me, Tun M is an icon, a visionary and was the father of modernisation. One does not simply dismissed him after all the things that he have done or even the years he has served the nation. You cannot simply tarnish his reputation and shrug or kill off his contributions to the nation.
You just can't. I am not even talking about these things because of my fondness of Tun M. It is because you cannot simply dismissed 22 years worth of contributions.
Don't tell me that, just because you don't like him and wants to wipe off any memories of him, you would tear down the KLCC Twin Towers?
Let's be realistic and stop being so emotional.
I admit that I don't agree with everything that Tun M has done, especially the recent pact with with his frenemy (not an image I like to see, honestly). On a bigger picture, I do get it, I understand why he did it but on a personal level, not something that I would endorse.
As a Malaysian, who does not have an ounce of importance in the game of Malaysian politics, I am very disappointed with the current situation. I can literally feel everyone's frustration, as a citizen, as a tax payer, as a consumer, socially and even as a person. I will not even pretend that I am well versed in the nation's politics, policies, economy or leadership.
I firmly believe tha everyone has their individual roles to play in this world. I for one, knows that I prefer not to take part in politics.
“Let the ruler be a ruler; the minister, a minister; the father, a father; the son, a son.” - Confucius
- Current Music:Crush - Yuna & Usher
Today, my boss told me that after years of working with me, she still can't figure me out.
So, I told her that even my friends who have known me for more than 20 years still can't figure me out. In that context, I really meant it.
As I remembered, a few years ago, a high school friend of mine asked me a similar question.
She asked, "what are you? What kind of person are you? You look bubbly and all but I can't see you, the real you."
I couldn't answer that question when I was asked years ago because I did not know what was the correct answer to it. But today when my boss said that she couldn't figure me out, it was like a sense of dejavu. The same question asked by my friend but rephrased.
Of course the answer I gave my boss was not a lie either but not completely true either.
As I grace my ever changing digits (age), I realised that I become very in touch with myself. I did a lot of self reflections over the past few years. Self meditation is a good soul healer.
The answer to this question is very simple. ... I don't let people figure me out. I don't show people who I really am 100%.
As much as I am outgoing and somewhat an extrovert, I put walls around myself and it's rather tall. My circumstances does not allow me to parade around and be super carefree about everything. Though I would so love to do that.
I am not saying that I have the toughest life in the world or anything like that. Nor would I claim that my life was or is tough. I am privilege enough to say that I have a decent good life.
Of course life is not peachy or bed of roses. Nonetheless, I am still very much grateful for the life that I have. I really cannot and should not complain much.
When someone tell you that they can't figure you out, take it as a compliment and a challenge that you pose to the people who asked.
In honest truth, it is not that hard to figure people out. For me, it is really not hard to figure me out if you spend enough time and really get to know me.
For those who decides that you are not what they thought or be what they want you to be, it is high time that you wake up and leave these people. They are not worth your time.
Growing up sucks
Emotional pain sucks
Family? Some of them sucks
Friends? They're not obligated to me.
Not that they should anyways
I feel suffocated.
And it sucks.
I feel trapped
And it sucks
I feel drained.
That definitely sucks.
Oh, what the hell?
17 days ago I turned 28
Just a couple more years before I reach that 3-series ceiling
Often times I find myself at a crossroad where, I just don't feel old
I mean, I don't feel my age
My surroundings are actually the ones that kept reminding me of my age
When I say surroundings, it's the people and the aging things around me
And yes, I am aging as well
I really don't have any qualms about getting older
But it seems that my surroundings are
As a person, I am not fond of comparing myself with other people
But I do it almost all the time
I am human after all
It's not an excuse but it's a fact
And that's the only logical conclusion I can come up with
At 28 years old...
I am not as young as I think or feel
This is starting to sound like I am experiencing a quarter life crisis
But rest assured, that is not the case
I guess mainly why I felt young is because ...
I don't feel or think that I have achieved much in my life
I am still living in my family home
Yes, I am working and earning my own money
And yes I do get to travel occasionally when I saved enough
But at the end of the day...
I don't think those are enough to be considered as achievements
Whenever I try updating my CV
This is where I tend to feel a bit 'off'
Because I don't think that I have achieved much
The fact that I am a Leo may also mean that I need recognition
From the right people and channels
Maybe i needed that constant reassurance
Maybe I am that insecure
Or perhaps, I am just being childish and felt entitled
It sounds like I am dealing with some esteem issues
Maybe that is the case
But honestly, in my own way, i am actually content
And in appearance wise, I do seem like I am living my life as the way it should be
Perhaps it is normal to feel this way
Like you're inadequate
It is not a nice feeling
Because I don't fancy feeling unsettled
That is the word that I am looking for
I feel unsettled
For a person who feeds on stability
I am incredibly unstable
Monetary wise and emotionally (there are moments)
I am so used to being independent
But lately, I feel like I crave for people to take care of me
Maybe I am just too tired of taking care of other people
For ones in my life
I would like to have someone to tell me
"Don't worry, I got your back"
"You can chill and let me take care of this"
I am too independent to an extend that
I licked my own wounds
I coaxed myself to feel better when I am down
I entertained myself when I am sad
I get my own shit together ... when when I was mentally depressed
Yes, I got myself out of depression
Now I think i sounded like one self-righteous bitch
Not that I am saying that I got no help
But on a personal and emotional development
I was and am alone on this journey
Wise words from my father...
"Be happy with what you have, while working for what you want"
And also another words of wisdom that is embedded in my head...
"Always look at the things that you have rather than the ones that you don't have. Because when you look at things that you don't have, nothing is ever enough"