- Current Music:Crush - Yuna & Usher
Grief. Perfectly described. Basically what I felt after mama's passing, not completely the same but I can relate.
At the age of 15, I literally felt that my world was turned upside down and crumbled. Wasn't quite sure how to move on, it's not something you can move on, period.
Who I was previously, was not who I am now. I did not share nor even know how to confide in people. It didn't feel like I can trust anyone. I just didn't know what to do with my feelings, how to grieve or how to deal with myself.
I was too busy concealing my feelings and pretending that all was fine, which now I know that I wasn't fine and it was not a situation that was going to get better.
People around me shared the same sentiments, therefore, we did helped patched each others up but of course it was not enough because all of us went through grief differently. Unique to each individuals.
I lost my mother. My father lost his wife. My siblings lost their mother. Mama's relatives, friends and students lost a sister, friend, soulmate, confidante, leader, teacher, etc...
No matter how healed I am now, maybe healed is not a good word to describe my current state...
It's more like life goes on and I have to face the harsh reality. Reality is that mama is no longer here and she's never coming back.
I learned that it is perfectly fine to cry to your heart's content and it is perfectly fine to never be afraid to show how vulnerable you can get. It also helps when you surround yourself with people who cares for you.
Don't forget to add in a little sense of humour to get that engine of life kicking. Life is to be taken with a pinch of salt.
The sky is not always blue and clear. It rains, sometimes there will be hurricanes... and sometimes it is a lovely sunny day.
That's life and obviously I am feeling emotional right now.
My writing mojo has been gone on a trip for quite a while now.
I can't even write anything even when I properly take the time to sit down with pen and paper.
I am somewhat inspired right now to write about something rather real and superficial...and maybe something in the middle.
Went out with my friends yesterday. Touched on a rather normal subject of late. It was an unusual subject for me years ago.
The subject? Skin care, beauty routine, grooming and day to day beautification routine.
Growing up, I was the most tomboyish girl ever, but with long hair because I was not allowed to cut my hair. My mother actually threw a super hissy fit when my sister actually layered my hair.
When I compare the me now with the me then, almost a total 360 change.
I used to swore off make up and claimed that I will never ever wear such thing. But now, I am a total lipstick addict.
I actually started wearing make up when I came back from my first solo trip to Tokyo back in 2008. That was just basically lip gloss and eyeliner. Reason was because everyone in Tokyo was so properly made up and when I look at myself in the mirror or when I saw my own reflections, I looked extremely pale. Definite pale in comparison with the majority of them lovely made up people in Tokyo, that was back in 2008.
It didn't get anywhere with that as I was lazy as in self grooming. The only thing that I did and do enjoy and was rather diligent in doing was hair colouring and styling. I was very into the whole JPOP influences.
The craziest hair colours that I had were basically rainbow colours. Yerp, I had more than 8 different colours on my head. Unfortunately, I wasn't into photography then, well self portrait photography to be exact, so there weren't any photos of my hair colour then.
My self confidence was also part of the reason behind it. Truth is, I don't feel beautiful or pretty or even good enough to be immortalised in a photo. That was how bad my self confidence was at that time.
Rest assured, I am in a much better place now in that department, being older and wiser (kononlahkan) helps. I realised that I am not as ugly as I have always thought of myself.
So anyways, back to that conversation, as we were gradually talking about all those things I mentioned above, it hit me that only then I realised that I have changed so much.
I am taking care of my skin so much more now. The fact that I am getting older is also another reason to really take care of myself. I mean i have been quite diligent with my facial routine but it has been intensified of late.
So, I was telling my friends that, if you ever meet a person with good skin and they tell you that they don't do anything much, I can bet you, these people are lying.
You can say stuff like that when you're a teenager or in your early 20's. Not in your late 20's and after.
Our environment, the food that we consumed, the air that we breathe, how active we are and the so many other factors... it means that we need to take extra care of ourselves.
I have shared my facial routine in a post before (do look out for it) and I can tell you that is not the most comprehensive facial care routine. I know of many others who does more and their skin are impeccable (I strive to be that, ... I know, such a #firstworldproblem).
My friend said that her routine was basically no routine. She washes her face with normal soap. Nowadays she is actually using good product after she experienced the adult chicken pox and her whole face was... in a very bad condition. Her skin is actually pretty good, it was more about getting rid of the scars left behind by the pox.
For a person like her, she can afford to be so nonchalant about her skincare because she's naturally cute, therefore, she requires minimal grooming (i am not touching anything emotional or psychological as I am only talking about the surface, things that people see. I don't know how she feels about this whole thing because different people handle it differently).
For a person like me, with glaring disadvantage such as being overweight and not your typical cute, I need to work harder and groom myself to be more presentable. It takes more work for me to be presentable for my own standard.
Don't take it wrongly but this is how I handle and deal with my self issue. I don't groom myself to be presentable for other people, it's for my own self satisfaction (but if it works both ways, so yay?).
Personal beautification and grooming are amazing, it's not just about skin deep but it does something to your soul. For me it helped heal and give the boost that I needed to believe in myself. Believe that I am worth it, I am beautiful in my own way (maybe a bit too much that I got carried away when I think I look better than some people, tsk tsk tsk).
I never consider myself to be a girly girl. I mean yea, I am a girl but I was a former tomboy. I was not taught the art of being a girl (all thanks to my 2 brothers and dad who are the epitome of anti-gentlemen, but funnily enough they can be rather gentlemen and sweet to their other half).
My point is, I am a changed person. People will change, eventually, sooner or later.
I never thought I would ever become who i am now.
Perhaps, the nature of my job elevated it (to a certain extend, this is an honest truth because I do PR and communications).
I have basically and naturally phased out of that phase where I care about what people say or think about me. Which means I don't really care that much as I used to (patting myself on the shoulder for getting here).
Growing older, now, at my age, doing the work that I do, surrounded by the people I love, enjoy and want to be with, made things and life better.
If people ever tell you that you're not pretty enough or smart enough or thin enough, you can and should do something about it. Not to satisfy these people but to satisfy yourself and prove to them how wrong they were.
Feed your ego and vanity if you must. But the most important thing, don't lose yourself in this process and progress, remember to stay humble, stay kind but never a fool.
Never ever a fool.
Me in 2009
Me in 2016.
- Current Mood:fabulous
- Current Music:Jomblo Happy - Gamma1
Dear current PM, your recent statement regarding how your predecessor was at fault for the current transportation woes... was uncalled for.
As a resident of this beautiful country, I am very frustrated and sad with the current situation of this country.
Initially, I had high hopes for you to lead and become the next great leader of Malaysia. You, a pedigree of great lineage. Most Chinese people in business thought that our current Pm would thrive because of his somewhat aristocratic blood. Financial gains will not be part of his agenda and he can focus solely on the country's development and prosperity. I would even vote for you if I could (but that was then).
I agree that our past Prime Ministers were not completely innocent or fault free. I am not that naive because I do understand how politics work.
Maybe it is true that my beloved Tun M has a personal vendetta and bitter with Jibby (as what jibby supporters says about the former premier) but for Jibby to outright crossed Tun M the way that he did, that is so not cool.
For me, Tun M is an icon, a visionary and was the father of modernisation. One does not simply dismissed him after all the things that he have done or even the years he has served the nation. You cannot simply tarnish his reputation and shrug or kill off his contributions to the nation.
You just can't. I am not even talking about these things because of my fondness of Tun M. It is because you cannot simply dismissed 22 years worth of contributions.
Don't tell me that, just because you don't like him and wants to wipe off any memories of him, you would tear down the KLCC Twin Towers?
Let's be realistic and stop being so emotional.
I admit that I don't agree with everything that Tun M has done, especially the recent pact with with his frenemy (not an image I like to see, honestly). On a bigger picture, I do get it, I understand why he did it but on a personal level, not something that I would endorse.
As a Malaysian, who does not have an ounce of importance in the game of Malaysian politics, I am very disappointed with the current situation. I can literally feel everyone's frustration, as a citizen, as a tax payer, as a consumer, socially and even as a person. I will not even pretend that I am well versed in the nation's politics, policies, economy or leadership.
I firmly believe tha everyone has their individual roles to play in this world. I for one, knows that I prefer not to take part in politics.
“Let the ruler be a ruler; the minister, a minister; the father, a father; the son, a son.” - Confucius
Today, my boss told me that after years of working with me, she still can't figure me out.
So, I told her that even my friends who have known me for more than 20 years still can't figure me out. In that context, I really meant it.
As I remembered, a few years ago, a high school friend of mine asked me a similar question.
She asked, "what are you? What kind of person are you? You look bubbly and all but I can't see you, the real you."
I couldn't answer that question when I was asked years ago because I did not know what was the correct answer to it. But today when my boss said that she couldn't figure me out, it was like a sense of dejavu. The same question asked by my friend but rephrased.
Of course the answer I gave my boss was not a lie either but not completely true either.
As I grace my ever changing digits (age), I realised that I become very in touch with myself. I did a lot of self reflections over the past few years. Self meditation is a good soul healer.
The answer to this question is very simple. ... I don't let people figure me out. I don't show people who I really am 100%.
As much as I am outgoing and somewhat an extrovert, I put walls around myself and it's rather tall. My circumstances does not allow me to parade around and be super carefree about everything. Though I would so love to do that.
I am not saying that I have the toughest life in the world or anything like that. Nor would I claim that my life was or is tough. I am privilege enough to say that I have a decent good life.
Of course life is not peachy or bed of roses. Nonetheless, I am still very much grateful for the life that I have. I really cannot and should not complain much.
When someone tell you that they can't figure you out, take it as a compliment and a challenge that you pose to the people who asked.
In honest truth, it is not that hard to figure people out. For me, it is really not hard to figure me out if you spend enough time and really get to know me.
For those who decides that you are not what they thought or be what they want you to be, it is high time that you wake up and leave these people. They are not worth your time.
Growing up sucks
Emotional pain sucks
Family? Some of them sucks
Friends? They're not obligated to me.
Not that they should anyways
I feel suffocated.
And it sucks.
I feel trapped
And it sucks
I feel drained.
That definitely sucks.
Oh, what the hell?
17 days ago I turned 28
Just a couple more years before I reach that 3-series ceiling
Often times I find myself at a crossroad where, I just don't feel old
I mean, I don't feel my age
My surroundings are actually the ones that kept reminding me of my age
When I say surroundings, it's the people and the aging things around me
And yes, I am aging as well
I really don't have any qualms about getting older
But it seems that my surroundings are
As a person, I am not fond of comparing myself with other people
But I do it almost all the time
I am human after all
It's not an excuse but it's a fact
And that's the only logical conclusion I can come up with
At 28 years old...
I am not as young as I think or feel
This is starting to sound like I am experiencing a quarter life crisis
But rest assured, that is not the case
I guess mainly why I felt young is because ...
I don't feel or think that I have achieved much in my life
I am still living in my family home
Yes, I am working and earning my own money
And yes I do get to travel occasionally when I saved enough
But at the end of the day...
I don't think those are enough to be considered as achievements
Whenever I try updating my CV
This is where I tend to feel a bit 'off'
Because I don't think that I have achieved much
The fact that I am a Leo may also mean that I need recognition
From the right people and channels
Maybe i needed that constant reassurance
Maybe I am that insecure
Or perhaps, I am just being childish and felt entitled
It sounds like I am dealing with some esteem issues
Maybe that is the case
But honestly, in my own way, i am actually content
And in appearance wise, I do seem like I am living my life as the way it should be
Perhaps it is normal to feel this way
Like you're inadequate
It is not a nice feeling
Because I don't fancy feeling unsettled
That is the word that I am looking for
I feel unsettled
For a person who feeds on stability
I am incredibly unstable
Monetary wise and emotionally (there are moments)
I am so used to being independent
But lately, I feel like I crave for people to take care of me
Maybe I am just too tired of taking care of other people
For ones in my life
I would like to have someone to tell me
"Don't worry, I got your back"
"You can chill and let me take care of this"
I am too independent to an extend that
I licked my own wounds
I coaxed myself to feel better when I am down
I entertained myself when I am sad
I get my own shit together ... when when I was mentally depressed
Yes, I got myself out of depression
Now I think i sounded like one self-righteous bitch
Not that I am saying that I got no help
But on a personal and emotional development
I was and am alone on this journey
Wise words from my father...
"Be happy with what you have, while working for what you want"
And also another words of wisdom that is embedded in my head...
"Always look at the things that you have rather than the ones that you don't have. Because when you look at things that you don't have, nothing is ever enough"
We all have this friend in college
who always seems to be so confident, lively and all that
who is always surrounded in a group of friends
always the live of a party and a total party girl
You always think that this girl is going to be doing alright in the real world
as in working world
but... of course, each an every one of us
puts on a different face in public
I have this friend of mine
who's basically exactly like what I have just mentioned above
she's someone whom you would come accross as a very confident person
but if you dig deeper
boy... I was shocked
I am extremely shocked the fact that she is not as confident as she portray herself to be
All this while I always thought that I am the most insecure person on earth
with low level of confidence
it's a revelation
self-revelation and realisation is more like it
when I had that little chat with my friend
i felt like I am a confident person and not that insecure, in 10 folds
literally in 10-folds
and it made me realised, how petty my worries are
I guess each of us have our own demons I guess.
Part of this revelation...
actually... at the end of 2014...
I made a promise to myself
to care and think less about things that I have no control over
I made a promise to live for myself and the people I love
A promise where I live my life to the fullest
and give arse poop about those who really don't matter much
2014 was a pretty turbulent year...
for friendship and relationship wise...
but despite that... it was also a good beautiful year
so, i can't complain much
life has been good
the ups and downs are part and parcels of it
so i embrace it
I forgive easily
but it's almost impossible to forget
so whenever I am upset with anyone
I tell myself this,
"I wish them all the best in life so that they will find their own piece of happiness to the extend that they will not remember about hurting other people no more."
I am going to be 28 this year...
and that's... not that young anymore
but honestly, it hasn't hit yet that fact that I am going to be 28
I don't feel 28...
I felt younger....and I wonder maybe that's because I am in denial?
ha... oh well...
this might come out a little vain...
oh, the heck with it...let's just be upfront about it
I AM VAIN...yes, I am vain.
I kinda like looking at my face now in the mirror
I like the mature looking face that I have now...
I actually look like a woman now and people should not call me a girl anymore
I guess I liked growing older
I pray to God that I will be allowed to grow old gracefully
and lose more weight (this is always an on-going work-in-progress, nangis sikit)
such contrary to what I felt in my teens and early 20s
where i constantly complained about growing up is such a prick
another realisation of mine in life was that
to live in the moment
the negative people and their negative comments can go die and live in the oblivion
it's a selfish way to look at things
but I will honest
I have never felt so liberated
I felt so much better
the people around me
and the quality of my life has tremendously improved
it's like, it took a 360 degrees turn and became so much better
it's not something seen
or anything i made visible for others to see
but this is what i feel inside
and whenever I am down, angry and upset
I tell myself that "this is not who i am, I am a much better person than this and I will get through this"
caring and thinking less about things and people who couldn't be bothered about you...
makes a lot of difference
It's highly recommended that you live your life and stop thinking that you are less than who you are.
p/s: yes, it took me 28 years to feel good about myself. it's not an easy journey but it is do able.
- Current Mood:It's Friday!
- Current Music:See you again - Charlie Puth (Piano)
Last march, I went for my second solo trip
I went to Krabi , Thailand
Tokyo in 2008 was my first
actually, in January, I went to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah... for a day
not exactly alone because I was there and spent the whole day with my EPO kanzeon
t'was a fun day of sightseeing and indulging sumptious food
I wanted to update my blog on these trips but so many things happened
got swamped with work and a pretty healthy social life kinda took over my life
so yeah... solo trips...solo traveler...
contrary to popular belief, going on a solo trip does not make you an anti-social or some kind of a recluse
in fact, you get to know more people...
and it is so much easier to navigate
not that I am saying that I don't like going on a group trip
going on a trip with friends are so much fun
but a solo trip... you can consider it to be something insightful
meaningful and what I personally claim as a self-discovery journey
because you see...
when you are all alone
you can only depend on yourself
and you have no choice but to be independent
planning for my trip to Tokyo in 2008 has done wonders to myself
my self-growth as a person
the trip came at the perfect time
as I have had depressingly rough time from 2006 to 2007
I was literally depressed but whatever... that's all behind me now
Tokyo was wonderful. Wonderful for me
one week in Tokyo was what I needed that time.
I learned that I am pretty good with money
I managed my budget well
I managed all the papers and documents well (since visa requirement for Japan was / is super strict)
I learned that my internal biological GPS was and is awesome (yeah, I am bragging here)
but of course, I did get lost quite the number of time but it always turned out to be a beautiful mistake or disaster because there's sso much to see and do in Tokyo.
one week was actually just like the tip of the iceberg
on my recent trip to Krabi
I really went local
riding the scooter
tried all the local food
met a few people and became friends
walking around the walking street and just chill
at one point, I did try reclusing myself from the other people
I was staying at a quiant little hostel
and staying at a place like that where you share the common area
you get to meet people from all over the globe
and it's all fun and all but...
at one point...
I don't know whether this is some kind of a millenial problem or something
eh, wait I am one too...
so anyways, I mean we're on vacation
and then these young people were chatting and getting to know one another
and they started talking about the economy, the politics, their jobs and etc...
you know, all thos eheavy stuff
I mean, those are all nice and great to know
but really? we're on vacation
let's talk about what you want to do tomorrow and what to eat
that's the reason why we're here
maybe you can share abit on what your country is like
so that's that...
you all should do it
it's fun, it's exhilirating and it's refreshing
so without further ado...
let's share some photos
- Current Location:Home
- Current Mood:insomniac
- Current Music:Sakura - Ketsumeishi
Was actually cleaning up my stuff and found this piece of gem.
My somewhat journal when I went to Tokyo in November 2008.
But of course back then was a lot hassle as compared to now especially when we Malaysian no longer needed a visa to enter Japan. With the new passport with chip that is.