I watched the news on ASTRO AWANI yesterday
and they were talking about a maid being murdered by her employer
I was so furious when I heard that
I feel very strongly about this issue
because first of all...
we're talking about human lives here
of course they're maids but people come on...they're still human

what was the reason you hire a maid in the first place?
to make your life easier
to have someone to do the cleaning at home
take care of your children
take care of all the things that you prefer
not to handle when you get home from work 
or if you're a housewife...
more time for you to pamper yourself...
or spend time with your family and children

if you don't like or dissatisfied with your maid
send them back...get a new one...
unless if the ones that you have is an illegal one
that's another case
if you get your maid from an agent...
the agent is responsible if you complain about your maid
and they will be the to take action on these maids

because of these small number of insane people
other people in Malaysia who needs maid
are having difficulty on getting a maid...
and with the tension between Malaysia and Indonesia now
it just makes matters worse
even my dad's maid said she was scared to come to Malaysia in the first place

we don't need to scare outsiders anymore than they already are
we have Americans thinking that since we're an Islamic country
we're all Al-Qaeda and Taliban...
I remember when my aunt told me about her son-in-law
he is an American who converted and he said her was scared
to come to Malaysia at first because he thought
that most Muslims are terrorist...
...I find that utterly absurd...
I mean...for god sake...your wife is a Muslim from Malaysia
....can't imagine how narrow minded these people can be
labels and stereotyping is not a good thing...

For crying out loud...
people nowadays have become so unreasonable
it's really true...
one way or another...
'the more civilized one is, the more uncivilized one become'
of course this does not apply to all 

but with rape cases now...
children missing
people missing
people jumping off a bridge because they suffered from heartbreak
what do they think reality is? a sappy / love / Bollywood movie?

when I heard the news about the 2 year old girl
who got raped by her mother's black boyfriend
and died...I was...devastated...

and also yesterday on the news...
a mother who killed her own baby / infant
...the same person who carried that baby
for 9 months...and after that...she just killed the baby?
it's...unbelievable how cruel and heartless 
people today have become...

don't get me started on how chaotic
the politics in Malaysia have become..
but being a normal citizen...
I hope, wish and pray that whatever is happening
will have a happy ending...
but then again ...it's politics...
the drama never ends

I think that's about what I wanted to write for now...
just wanted to get it out of my system


p/s: anyone knows where and how to apply for loan / scholarship for postgraduate studies in Europe, Australia, New Zealand, or UK...asides from British Council?
 

I have to be honest and say that I am very very busy
but since it's lunch time
I can't call the media as all of them will be out eating right now...
so...while waiting for the media to get their asses back in the office
and wait for the 'kakak' consultants in the office give me more work
I think I'd sneak writing this right now

time start: 1.03 pm

25 Things to do before I turn 25

1. Master Japenese 
2. do my postgraduate studies in Europe or anywhere outside of Malaysia 
3. Get PADI diving certificate
4. buy a car
5. get international driving license
6. re-master Mandarin
7. travel to Venice
8. Go see Lyssa in Reading
9. earn my own money
10. get loan or better scholarship for my postgraduate studies
11. Get a DSLR
12. Watch Vanessa Mae in concert
13. in the midst of writing a novel
14. have my own apartment
15. become a UN goodwill ambassador
16. Katam Quran (I know it's embarassing, I have not katam yet, but at least I have the balls to admit it)
17. go for umrah and visit my mother's grave
18. go bag packing 
19. climb Mount Kinabalu
20. lose at least 1/4 of my weight
21. establish my foodblog
22. write more poems
(gangguan from the 'kakak' consultant)
23. find my calling in this world
24. travel with friends (abroad)
25. maybe...get a boyfriend?...

1.42 pm.....

the 'kakak' is asking me to do
something that I am not sure I can do
unless I have the access to the National registration
T_T...how am I suppose to get the contact detail for an award winning
bartender / mixologist?

update: 28th October 2009
I forgot the most important thing...

26. Watch Gackt perform live in concert or anywhere!!!

 

 I passed my Psycholinguistic paper!!!
I passed the paper 'puaka'!!!
I am so glad...
but am a bit dissappointed with my ELC project's mark
not too much...but I hoped I'd get an A
but no...my mark ...was shy of 3 marks for an A....T_T
but oh well
as long as I passed kan?
:D
so yes, I have officially finished all my subjects
the only thing left is my co-op/ internship...
From September to 31st Dec 2009
wish me luck!!!
I'm suppose to start on the 2nd...
wish me luck!!!!

First of all...I got a 'YES' from my head of department
and now I can officially hard bind my thesis paper
YAY!!!!

so yeah, anyways
I did just the most...random thing ever
and something I never thought I'd actually do
like right now...
I bought something online...
apart from plane tickets and my computer...
........
I bought...G-Dragon's first solo album
on yesasia...
...................................
so yeah go figure....
when my dad gets the bill...
he's going to question/ interrogate me...
what was I thinking
oh yeah...it was the album art and content
and the songs are...something I like listening to
and here's the first PV
it's very Death Note-ish...me likey



........gosh....wanted to get something of Gackt
but...is it me or I think everything
that has Gackt's name on it
is always something really expensive?
being a fan of Gackt seriously doesn't come cheap
and I have gotten the special edition of Crescent
on my trip to Tokyo last year...
and that's the only album I absolutely enjoy
I did bought the red and blue stuff
using my Raya pocket money
but ...the person who went to buy it for me
is....M.I.A.....what's her name again?
Nadiah...Lyssa's friend....even Lyssa didn't get her stuff
which was unfortunate
and she doesn't seem to be able to find this girl
total lost contact...so sad
as for Utada Hikaru
I can get her stuff here...
since she's famous enough
to have her stuff selling in Malaysia

lately I've been into buying designer catalogs
in Kinokuniya
the first one that I bought was ZUCCA
that came with a silver coloured tote
it's really huge
and I bought it because I thought it was a perfect
bag for me to replicate for my Visual Communication project
last Thursday I bought another catalog
this time it's Marc Jacobs
it came with a free black coloured tote
with apples, hearts and the MJ monogram
it does not even cost me more that RM55...:D



it's not really clear...I took it with my phone
my camera phone is awesome under the sun
but not indoors...and oh...here's a picture of my baby Ice Cream







and to end this post....
my darling cutie
Kim Bum.....
I can never get bored of him
:D...well for now.
and as long as I know there will be at least one person
who will ardently roll her eyes seeing any picture of Kim Bum
or any Korean stars in my blog...:P

What happened today was....chaotic...
went for two interviews today...
one in Shah Alam and the other one
somewhere near KLCC
I'm seriously hoping that
I hope I will get a positive answer from the one in my hometown
and I hope the answer will come through A.S.A.P
I'm kinda sick of commuting to work
I mean I've been doing the whole
commuting for four years already
and my last internship was...
I travelled everywhere around KL and Selangor
one of the reason why I'm very good with the roads in KL
I want something abit more convenient
It's the only time I am free to actually choose a job
simply as an experiment before I actually start a career

So basically...
after the two interview I was
completely drained...I'm just glad I'm done and over
with my PSYCHOLINGUISTIC paper
now I just hope and pray that I will pass...
I am incredibly lucky and awesome if I manage to actually get a 'B'
if I get a 'C' ...I will be incredibly thankful....

I screamed and totally lost it with Farah today
I asked her to wait for me in front of the toilet in KL Sentral
but when I came back she was nowhere to be found
everything was with her....my phone...my purse...everything
I told myself to calm down and looked for her up and down
then I can't help but started to panic
to the extend I started asking people for their phone
but of course...
none of them are willing to do so...
and most of them said the same thing
all of them have no credit...such a classic excuse
and there I was...panic, and now pissed...
so I went down to the information counter
and asked for the dude to lend me a phone
but then again...apparently...
it feels like everyone in KL Sentral don own a phone
and even if they own one...
none of them have credit and all of them are using prepaid numbers...
and finally after the dude saw that I was at the verge of crying
he gave me 40 cents to use a nearby payphone...
so he was forgiven because at least he was considerate...
While I was looking for the pay phone...
there she was...I saw Farah standing in front
if the KTM entrance....

the me at that time
was panicked...pissed....and felt very dejected...
I unconsciously screamed at her...
and she said she told me she was going to wait for me there
obviously I did not hear that....

I said some mean things such as I was going to take the ERL instead
and apparently she lost it too...
and went straight to the KTM
I can't possibly let her go alone
so I followed suit....
and she gave me the silent treatment when I tried to aplogize

I feel bad for what I did
but I was pissed, panicked...and almost
had a nervous breakdown....
I'm human...I can't help it...
some more my hormon is ot really stable for the past few days

Nowadays....I find that it's hard for me to actually
control and contain my emotion like I used to
I don't know what's going on with me....

I am sleep deprived
at least since July till now...
first it was mainly because of my thesis paper
and now...these past two days
have been incredibly hectic for me
Kenduri Akikah for my nephew
and my 2nd bro's wedding reception
and another reason
last night...too many interference
such as two people
snoring on both sides of my ears

TT_TT


I know I can wait and write this tomorrow
but...I'll be going of to a short family trip
courtesy of my 2nd bro
as he wanted to treat us all after all of our hardwork
in making sure his reception was a success
and it was...I'd say
I'm pretty proud of it
and I have no sore feelings
another thing is that
I realized
when I looked and just stare at my nephew
I can't help but feel like smiling
I tried avoiding the little boy
as much as I am angry at my brother
and the ...urgh....wife....
this is my eldest bro...
the baby is a miracle
it's not his fault
just that he was not born at a more suitable time
why I said that is because the mother 
is still pursuing her undergraduate studies
...*sigh*

like I always said
and people too...I mean they said it too
I may sound mean...I mean I may pretend that I am mean
but in truth I am not
I don't have the capacity to be mean to people
....with my close friends and my dad
I may utter things that sounded harsh
and rude and....nonsensical...tyrannical
but in making it a reality...it's just...
too far-fetch?...see what I mean
no capacity for being mean....
so before I head to bed...
and start fresh tomorrow
and keep myself lock in a room to study
I end this post with a picture of my 
oh-so-freaking-adorable Kim Bum
yes...keep those eyes rolling

 so annoyed
urgh...after all these while
he never cared what happens in the house
suddenly he wants to care about my birthday
and feeling HURT when he saw pictures 
of me, my friends, my dad, my 2nd bro, my sis, Farah and her mom
eating dining.....laughing ...smiling...and happy
like....OMG...what an ASS!
serious....WTF!

It's my birthday!!!
so I am offically 22 now...today...
so what shall I post today?

I'm seriously sick...
not demam sick la
I'm having a bad headache
and I've been dreaming about weird stuff
which I do not want to discuss about
my head is still spinning
and I'm busy re-doing my chapter 1 & 2
one more month of suffering
then I'll be over it...
then a new life of suffering (working)...
:D
so this post is simply to amuse myself
and maybe people who happen to stumble upon this post
apart from that...
I'd be even more amuse
if there is anyone who got annoyed
with this post...
for those who enjoyed it...good for you
for those who don't...hahahaha


the always adorable...Kim Bum








spotted!!! Lee Jun Ki using LG Lollipop!!!





I love this picture of RAIN





my current addiction...2NE1

I won't say my life is bad
I won't complain
but...
of course there's always a but
or buts...

things don't always go your way right?
I mean things always don't go my way
I won't say I am the smartest person on earth
I won't say I'm the brightest person on earth
because I'm not
I am lazy
blur...
blonde...not literally...
...etc...

as much as I hate
letting people around me affect me
I can't help but get affected by them
A says that I've been poisoned by B
and B says I've been poisoned by A
the world is incredibly round...
it always comes around

what I hate the most...
is the fact that I can't say anything
I can't open my mouth
because if I do...
eruptions are bound to happen
you know like Mount Vesuvius...

I feel so helpless
I feel so useless...
I feel so unworthy...
I hate this situation
I mean these situations...

I can't even show my emotions
because once I do...
people will start to notice
that I actually am human
and I do have feelings
and yet they still don't care
because I'm just another person
who is incredibly
not important in their lives
because they are too caught up in theirs

sometimes ...
most of the time..
I feel like I should say anything
I should not even open my mouth
I should not be born into this world
now I understand
why some people don't want to grow up
now I fully comprehend

if my life's purpose
is to get good education
and live a life
I'll be the happiest person on earth
but with all the shenanigans happening around me
how can I feel happy
or content with what I have
because I can't
I just can't
even when I want to
people around me won't let me

as much as I try my best not to be emo
I can't help but be one
I hope everything will stop
so that everything will be better
so that everything will be fine...
I am so sorry if I've done wrong to people
in case my life is short

You want to die?
You're in pain?
you have no idea...
what life is all about
not saying that I do know...

this is one of those times
when I can't sleep
I can't do anything
I can't even utter any words out of my mouth
I can't seem to finish my work...
I can't seem to stop crying
and yet I am still able
to write this pathetic crap...
I secretly wished
I never written this
but this is one of the way
for me to release what I am feeling

at the end of the day
I won't even understand this crap
I won't be able to relate to what I've written
I won't even remember what happened
but for sure I will know
this was written
because of how I had felt
at the moment...

it's rather episodic...

I was talking to my sister just now
and we touched on two very interesting topics
weight...and men
she told me something
that I find quite shocking
and completely prove how MCP men are
in case you guys don't know what MCP is
MCP = Male Chauvinist Pig

you know how we always
have this whole girl power thing
and girls should be more aggressive
such as confessing to a guy and all that jazz
my sis told me that her friend...
warned her to never ever
confess to a guy first
or let them know you really really like them
not obviously of course
because apparently this friend
had experience the worse scenario
she was the one who confessed to her partner
they are now married
and when they came into ...a quarrel ...maybe
I don't really know actually what triggered it...
he said "Kau jugak yang tergila-gilakan aku dulu!"
translation: you were the one who was so crazy over me
I wonder what kind of scumbag that asshole is
whoever he is...
he just made men's reputation worse

of course that is just one case
but I was so shocked when I heard that
because I believe in being aggressive
and taking actions in order for me
to get what I want
I would actually confess to a guy if
he is so hopelessly clueless...
of if I really do like him...
but after hearing this...
I feel like I should change that principle of mine
but of course not completely...
when I believe in something
I take it into heart
and it became part of who I am

one thing about being fat is
I get to see people for who they really are
I mean...let's say
I'm thin and super pretty
people might just like me
for all the superficial things
people often think less of you
when they think you're really not worthy of their time
I've been in situations where
normal people can cry
or go crazy
or just commit suicide
and I'm not making this up
I may not live in a slump
like those children in slum dog millionaire
but I've been through so much drama
that it's not even funny
to say my life is so full of drama
it my life was made into a movie
I think it will definitely win an oscar
or it will be the longest running soap
as the drama never ends
it's already been three generations
it's really really tiring

I am really thankful that I am fat
personally I have no problem about being fat
except for people around me
and of course my health
but it does get annoying as Malaysia and the world
adapt the whole 'sizist' view on everything
like it's hard to get pretty clothes
pretty shoes
....stuff like that
and they always run out all the big sizes
I mean for got sake people
don't they realize that
the biggest size will always be sold out first
in that case
they should really stock up on all the big sizes
and it's really annoying that
if I want to get something decent
and pretty...nice...quality
I have to splurge...
like RM100++ on a blouse...
it's really frustrating but thank god
Malaysia have such place as Reject Shop and F.O.S.
XD XD XD

people know that
beauty is just skin deep
but still they are desperately vying for it
I remembered what my uncle said
"when one possesses beauty...or have beauty...they tend to forget that it's not forever...it's not something permanent as beauty will fade through time..."
when I heard him said this
I was shocked
because he rarely say anything insightful...
he said regarding a cousin of mine
she is pretty and all
but she is what you all might call
shiny plastic but empty inside
she's not dumb for sure...
but she have a problem keeping her mouth shut
I guess it's genetics...
inherited from her mother...

speaking about her makes me sad
because she was my best friend
when we were younger...
I mean she's my cousin and only a year older
she was kind, adorable, and cute
but now...yeah...she may have a pretty face
and hot body...but...inside...I have no idea
when I first saw her after a long time
it felt like I'm looking at a stranger
I can't believe this is the same person
who bathed with me ...naked...
when we were children...
now...she's infamous...
for not able to keep her clothes on...
for having feud with people
for going clubbing like every single freaking night
etc...it's very sad for me to see her like that

I mean yeah...living is to enjoy life
but when you do that...
never mind...I won't comment on that
I mean it's not right to judge people like that
it's their prerogative...

so for me ...
to lose weight
what motivates me
is for me to become healthier
and easier to buy clothes and shoes...
I wonder if it'll be easier for me to buy shoes
I do have giant feet...

when me and my sis were talking
we were watching Katherine Heigl's 27 Dresses
Jane and Tess...the sisters
my sis said that she find that Jane is prettier
than Tess ...
I do agree...I mean...Tess...
was just blonde...and too skinny...and bad complexion
but guys dig that
so I explained to my sis
why guys find Tess more attractive than Jane
I told her to look at both of them
and see how different they are
even in appearance...
Jane is pretty but she looks like
someone who seems hard to approach and uptight
Tess gives people the vibe that she is friendly
approachable and bubbly...

first impression is important...
and yes people love looking at superficial things
I myself am one...I am superficial
our upbringing and environment forced us to follow this cycle
and how the society perceive us...

one way or another...
I have to say...I'm actually...
not interested to even start
a romantic relationship with any guys right now
but who knows...I'm just saying now
maybe it's because of my age?
maybe because of what I know?
maybe because what I've seen?
maybe I'm asexual?
maybe I just don't care?
maybe I'm discourage?
who knows....


p/s: I just got a new laptop!!!super happy...









mine is of course in green!

I wonder when are all these nonsense shit
is going to end?
will it ever end?
Just now when Farah came over
and told me what that wretched bitch said
I mean those two wretched bitches
last Friday was definitely a bad day for me
I was suppose to go to KL and sleep over at Pattie's place
because I was to have a study session
with my classmates for Psycholinguistic's mid-term

I canceled that
because I thought
it was important for me to be there
at my grandma's place
because it was my bro's birthday
as a person who puts family first no matter what
I had to be there
not because of the food
even if there's no food
or any other crap
I'd still be there
because he's my brother
and my family

from the argument I had
with my brother that night
I had regretted not going to KL
and now after I heard what those bitches said
I regretted it even more
even though I am already
talking to my brother now...
I just can't shrug of the stupid feeling
anger...sadness...disappointment...
and that is making me feel even worse

those two bitches
regrettably and shamefully I have to admit
are my relatives...
in fact they're my mother's sisters

Bitch 1 was there at my grandmother's house
she told Bitch 2 that me and Farah were there
and said "kitorang ni hadap sangat nak makan kat rumah nenek"
"Budak gemuk dua ekor yang buruk makan"
translation: we were so desperate to eat there because we're both such sloppy and big eaters"
seriously...we were there only because
it was my brother's birthday
and God knows why he wanted to have it there

if I didn't think
I would've just gone balistic
and punch those two bitches
because action speaks louder that words
then I remembered
Bitch 1 stays right in front of my house
I can't so that
if she wants to dance
I will dance too
if that is going to make me
a big hypocrite
so be it
...from one thing to another
what made me even more frustrated
was the fact that
Farah was dragged into this
and I was the one who invited her to come that night
so it was my fault that she got dragged into it
I'm sorry Farah...

I think...I'm going to stop
going to my grandma's place
I'm going to stay away from them
I've had enough of this

I want to graduate as soon as possible
and get out of here...

I don't know how much longer
I can keep up with the whole charade
...I feel so sick of myself
that I can just puke right now
seriously...as much as I try to ignore it
it just keeps on coming back
no matter how much
I focus on other things
like college...assignments...friends
it just keep on coming back
and the feeling that came with it...
...I don't know whether it's guilt
or...I feel so sick of myself
I seriously hate this...
for the love of God
I know you're sick
but don't be so 'effing sensitive
others are human too
we feel sensitive too...
this is why
I should just keep my mouth shut
whatever I hear
stays in my head
and should not come out from my mouth
I 'effing didn't go for my study group
because I was thinking
it was your birthday celebration
and I needed to be there
but no....
you just had to be so 'effing sensitive
I know it's my fault
for telling you what she said
but why must you take it the wrong way?
you egoistic jerk!

this also one of the reason
why I hate myself sometimes
I just can't my mouth shut...
I just had to be so 'effing honest
and blab all about it...
fuck it...

yesterday (Thursday, 18th June 2009)
I met one of my lecturer on the train
we were going to UCSI
so she sat beside me
and we chatted
I don't remember what sparked
the topic of the conversation
but we were talking about expensive things
so she told me
things are not expensive if you have the money
she got a point
we often forget that money is just
a medium that we use to get things
and it can be earn in whatever way
of course what I meant
is all the good ways
not by stealing or robbing a bank
I mean an honest job
it doesn't matter what kind of job
as long as it's honest and decent

and that reminded me of a movie I've watched
with Queen Latifah as the main character
she was wrongly diagnosed with cancer
and the doctor told her that she has approximately
around 2-3 months to live
her character was someone who is very frugal
she works at a hypermarket as a cashier
I don't really remember
and she bought bonds, etc
so after she heard what the doctor said
she sold everything that she has
and went for a holiday in Europe...in style
with a chauffeur, stayed in a suite, 5 star ski resort
she went all out as she thought was going to die soon
so might as well she live her life to the fullest
but in the end it was happy ending of course

my point is
I don't want to do all that
when I think I;m going to die
I want to live my life to the fullest
I will work my ass off if I have to
to earn enough to make me able to fulfill my dream

:D

I'm actually in a very good mood
I finally got myself LG KF350 Ice Cream
I initially wanted the Lollipop...
but it's not out yet in Malaysia
not sure if it will
but since I already got the Ice Cream...
I think we'll just have to wait and see
:D
so I shall end this post with two versions
of the advertisement


just the phone





Kim Tae Hee modelling Ice Cream...
so adorable!





and here I include lollipop CM





and oh ...one more
Sony Ericsson cm with Oguri Shun
he looks hot as girl!

it's been awhile since I last updated my blog
the last post was merely me...venting out
my frustration...because...
I hate being the middlewomen
I used to think that I'm fine listening
to people's problem
and giving them advises...and helping out
but now...I hated it...
of course that depends on the problem
...I think I'd rather not talk about that

recently I find myself
hanging out alot...with my high school friends
since currently it is their semester's break
local University have such long breaks...
I'm envious...their breaks are at least a month long
and some of them graduated...so fast...
some of them working...making their own money...
I feel so proud of them
because they're so independent
it's like a trip back in time
and it's very interesting and refreshing to see them now
some changed alot and some didn't even change at all
I have to thank my best friend Jue
because if it wasn't for her
I won't even meet these people
because you see...
as much as I was an all rounder in school
I don't quite...hang out with them much
and after school we all just drifted apart
the only ones that I truly kept in touch with
were Jue and Azhar...
Shiera I did...but after she got a BF...you get what I mean
Ema...because she was Jue's bestfriend from primary school
and plus...she's like the one who lives the nearest to me
I liked all these gathering ...alot...
what triggered all these
was because one of my classmate got married
so we kinda had a little reunion...
I enjoyed every moment of it

and last Friday
we went to visit Dalila...another schoolmate
who just gave birth to a healthy baby girl
and last Saturday ...another classmate of mine
got married...and it was grand
with all sorts of drinks and food
and a horse carriage....
what was so amazing about it was that
no one expected it to that grand
especially because it was held in a rural area...
in a Kampung...so kudos to them
and yesterday I went to my dad's bestfriend's daughter wedding
it was grand...held in a hotel in Seremban
but to be honest...I prefer an informal weddin
the wedding was beautiful and all...
but the thing was...there were too many protocols going on
since the Yg Dipertuan Negeri Sembilan was the guest of honor
we got there around 12.30 pm...
and we only ate our lunch at 3.00 pm...more than two hours later...

note to self...when I get married
I'd like to keep as simple as possible
if I want something sophisticated
maybe just a garden wedding
but personally I'd just do only the Nikah..
I don't need any grand event...
but who knows...this is me now talking
in the future...I might have a change if heart?

school holidays
always the favourite for everyone to get married
and another note to myself
don't have my wedding during school holidays
the traffic is horrendous

so to end this post...
I include a picture of Kim Bum
ever so ...adorable and suave

just kidding....the title I mean
hola people
I am currently busy...
with my research paper
my lecturer asked me to change my central phenomenon
again...not the same lecturer though
but I think I can do this
but tomorrow I need to borrow
some discourse analysis books from the library
need to re-study what's it all about
to ensure the success of my paper
I'm actually pretty excited about this paper
I read my senior's paper
and it's not that long...
I think I can used some of the stuff that she used
because hers is on gender identity
mine is identity construction through weblog
I'll be focussing on how people construct themselve on the net
through their blogs
I just pray and hope that I get through this

supp result will be coming out next Monday
according to the academic calender
I am...currently 50-50
if I pass...then it's great
if I don't...what the heck...so what...
I'll just bloody repeat the subject
...I've managed to hold myself together
and convince myself it's okay
it's not the end of the world...
my life won't be over there
and I think I'm just relieved
because I've told my dad about it
my feelings are better and settled....since last week...
so it's all good...for now and I hope for a long time
during that stressful time...
I kept on reminding myself of how other people are doing
how I was more fortunate than them
I mean...repeating a subject is nothing
a bad result is not so bad
I'm still alive and breathing
my seniors' done it...heck so many people have
I've done it for Algebra & Trig and Economics...
so why must I fuss over something like this?

I guess it's because when you are so near to the end
for something like this to happen is so ...
unacceptable and unbearable...
family drama or no family drama
because the drama has always been there
I can't use that as an excuse for me to feel so down...
even though it is a legit excuse...
a human mind can only take this much
human are not superbionic robot
what I have to do 
is remember all the good things that happened
and look forward for all the better things to come

these past few weeks 
I think I've been blaming people around me
for what have happened
I might not have said it out loud...
but I personally think I did blamed those around me
which was wrong of me to do so...
because in the end...
there's no one to be blamed but me...
I have to learn to take responsibility for my own action
and everything happens for a reason
"ada hikmah disebaliknya"
as mostly said in a Malay saying....
and I do want to believe in such thing as
"everyday is a gift"
and I don't want to feel hopeless and dreamless
if I dwell too much on the bad past....
it's just impossible for me to continue living properly
life is really short...so I shouldn't waste it
but feeling so stress out over something so minor

onto another issue...since I've settled my feelings...
for now...
I wanted to say...
I really really hate what's going on between my sis and my 2nd bro
of course all these while
they can never see eye to eye
but come one people...
one is already 30 years old and the other is 27...
T_T...so old yet so childish
both are childish I'd say...
both are awesome at hurting each other
and I am here...stuck somewhere in the middle
I can't say anything
even though I have so much to say
because once I open my mouth...
world war 10 will occur
and to prevent that from happening
I've chosen a very diplomatic approach
where I just kept quiet...kept my thoughts to myself
and act extremely coy and innocent
it's not like I don't want to say anything
or so anything...but it just won't do
being in a position like mine...
being the youngest sibling...
I'm handicapped...
no power and no say

they argue because of the stupidest things on earth
such as kittens...yes kittens...
as ridiculous as this sound...
it is extemely ridiculous
the thing is...
my sister is not a bad person
in fact she's a great person...
kind and generous
but....the way she approaches some issues...
are just...unacceptable
maybe she comes to people too strongly
personally I think her problem is
she's too sensitive and she wants people to know that
and understand that
but she somewhat refuse to see and understand
that other people are sensitive too...
if she wants to compare me with most people
it's so wrong of her to do so...
because I am not you average person
I'm pretty abnormal
and I like to be nonchalant on a lot of things
I find it's a waste of my time to be too sensitive
so mostly...what she've done or said..
I ignore it and forget about it...
nor matter how hurtful it was...

as for my brother on the other hand
he's a nice person...
annoying to a certain extend...
but has a warm heart...
his problem is...ego...high ego
male ego...and vain...
okay...he's only vain to me...
he is the type of person 
who takes everything said and done to him
to heart...so it's obvious that...
the relationship between him and my sis
doom to exist...

to make matters worse...
my father often sided with my sister...
and that had only angered and annoyed
my brother to the max....
I can't blame him for feeling so
because I do agree with him on that
my dad do side my sister too much
but let's not talk about how I feel about that situation
because I can about that later...
and it's going to be long...emo...etc...
let's push away the emo post
I don't feel emo right now and I don't want to spoil it

What I'm trying to say is
I feel like a damn villain everytime I hear these two
complained about each other to me
because I know from where both
of these people come from
but I can't say anything
because the conclusion is
both are too stubborn...ego...and sensitive
that's the biggest problem
neither one of them 
wants to compromise...unlike I do
T_T...drama....more drama...
when will it ever end...
my brother's current approach is to keep quiet
basically silent treatment...
in my 21+ years of living
things could not have gotten any worse
and I'm always stuck in the middle
if I were to tell them
what I really think
no one is going to be happy
they're not going to be happy with each other
of course we know that already
and I don't want to add myself
in their list of people to dislike
I have no problem with people disliking me
but if it's your family
it's bad news
because you live with them
you see them all the time
you're related by blood...
so...yes I shall be a politician in dealing with this issue
act diplomatic...be coy...act as if I know nuts...
and yada yada yada

plus...even if I said anything
no one would actually listen to me
so why bother?
and just to spite some people...
and make myself smiling
I end this post with a picture of 




Kim Bum....because he's so adorable

ngee hee hee
okay I have to admit
I've been feeling completely down these past three weeks
like seriously....
seriously down...to a point of...oblivion?
but yes it was bad
really bad
so now ...I feel slightly better
okay better...
small things are not going to keep me down
I mean it's seriously not my me
to be down and sorrowful
I mean...my personality is all about bubbly and randomness
I love being random...
thank you EPO...
for encouraging me all these while
I don't think I could really feel better without you around
and of course Farah...for always giving me things to laugh about
my baby Tenshi...for being my best listener ever...
the only thing you can do right now is talk instead of  "meow"
Sophia...for hanging out with me...talk and gossip..:D
and Lyssa for being my driver and super hyper friend...
and my dear pet bro Azhar...for listening to me whine...
I got you shocked huh? with all the things I told you
because all these you never know anything
I think I have to thanked Perez Hilton too
because his gossips kinda kept me alive
and allkpop.com...yes I know
I'm addicted to gossip blogs
it's a pity they don't have so many Japanese gossip sites
it's really hard to find...but Korean...like mushroom
they're everywhere

anyways on a happier note...
Big Bang is finally making Japanese songs
yay!
because I know nuts Korean...
Japanese ...so-so la...
can survive and was proven during my Tokyo trip
speaking of Tokyo
did you guys know they're building the GUNDAM RX-78 model in Odaiba?
it look so awesome
click here to check it out

www.dannychoo.com/detail/mac/eng/image/18977/Gundam+Project.htmlhttp://www.dannychoo.com/detail/mac/eng/image/18977/Gundam+Project.html

it should be done in July...
how I wish I have Doraemon with me now
so that he can bring me wherever I want to go without spending a dime

click on this link below to see
pictures of Won Bin
I love the bedroom picture
he looks so freaking adorable...

www.allkpop.com/index.php/full_story/won_bin_in_paris/

p/s: this is the pictures I told you about my dear EPO...:D

so to end this post...I shall end it with...



my husband!!!!

You Weren't There

Every morning when I wake up
I wish you were there
Breakfast made and ready for me
I would jump of my bed
Run towards the kitchen
To find you there, cooking
But you weren't there
Then I remember
You're not here anymore
I felt my stomach hurl
I can almost hear
My heart beat slowing down
I thought it stopped
I can't even breathe
Reality swept through me
And I realized
You weren't there


13th November 2008
1.45 a.m.
Thursday

Leo

actually today was a very dull but good day
after yesterday's Boys Over Flower Marathon
which took place in my room
from 4.30 pm to 3.27 am...
episode 14-25 (end)
with my sis, my two cousins, my maid and me
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good
then we watched a movie
after that we went out to KLIA
tagging Farah along
my sis wanted to pay her phone bill
and then after that we went to my cousin's place
took loads of weird pictures
with us posing...jumping...etc
then went to Farah's place
and Rizal had messaged me
telling me that he and Louis failed Psycholinguistic
I had a slight heart attack at that time
came back home...with my heart...pumping...
my PC's graphic card...gile...
maybe burnt after yesterday's marathon
so can't use my PC
...thank god for wireless router ...
then I turned on my laptop...
and my mozilla hanged for a while...
had to wait...for some time...
making my heart pump harder and faster...
then managed to open UCSI's e-advantage
check my result...
no A...from last semester...
I was sad but surprise
that I actually got a fat B for Syllabus Design & Curriculum Development
and thin B for Cross-Cultural Communication
a fat C for Malaysian studies...T_T...
and..............
and..............
and.............
a stupid D for Psycholinguistic.........
to take the supplementary exam will cost me RM200
T_T..................
I am not sure if I can pass the supplementary paper...
I fucking hate this.....
to whom it may concern
you know....just give me a fucking C
and you won't have to see my face ever again
and vice versa...........

first of all...
1) my dog is missing

2) my cat, Yong Chai is missing

3) my aunt's cat died because she got poisoned...by my dad...T_T

4) my supposedly new SONY phone...is a fucking ass...with faulty LCD

5) my PC...I've sent for repair...which cost me RM450...is now having problem with its graphic card...

6) I want to get the LG Ice Cream phone that would cost me RM799 at least...but I've spent most of my money repairing my PC

7) I want a new computer but I don't think I can afford it right now...or anytime soon

8) I was suppose to get a car...but I don't think I will get at all right now...

9) I want to lose weight and working on it  and I'm seeing some good result but people around me are adding the pressure making me feel like a fucking retard ...people don't lose 20 KG in a week asshole!

10) I want to go swimming but I don't have any transportation to go to the swimming pool

11) I want to go gym but I can't because of the same reason as why I can't go swimming

12) I want to have my regular evening walking exercise but my dog is missing

13) I have to pay RM200 for my supplementary exam

14) my PTPTN is somewhat...not there anymore...how the hell am I going to pay my tuition fees now...

15) the computer shop that I used to go had just went bankrupt last few days...so where the hell am I suppose to send my PC now?

16) my laptop is so slow...I want to sell it and get a new one....but I guess I can't right now...since it's the only sane computer I have right now

18) I have to get a new graphic card for my PC...and I wonder how much that will cost me....

19)I realized....I can't do alot of things right now...or any time soon...due to alot of reasons....financial being the main reason...spiritually...physically...........T_T

with all these things collapsing from one  thing to another and topping another...
I can only hope and wish that everything will be better...
as much as I believe life is unfair...
I believe that GOD is fair

FYI the reason why I freak out because of computers
it's because I simply cannot live without it
I am attached to it
I am a nerd and geek...I don't care
it really is a part of who I am
gadget freak and all
money is not the most important thing in life
but it is essential

so to end my post...
I shall end it with a super adorable picture of Kim Bum
just to make me smile...
and I hope it will make all of you out there smile too
:D