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The struggle is real

I wanted to write about my struggles + updates (maybe).

So, on to what I was struggling with (still struggling actually).

I recently subscribed to an online love letters(?). Actually it's called 'Tuesday Love Letter' by AidaAzlin (go check 'em out here: https://www.aidaazlin.com).

Almost in an instant, as I read the letters, one after another... I was overwhelmed... with all kinds of 'feels'. It goes from, feeling a sense of accomplishment, remorse, happiness, relieved and many more. 

Basically, I was feeling all kinds of feelings in a very short period of time. Then I got to these two particular letters on being a hypocrite and struggling in life. As far as I can remember, I have been a hypocrite and I have struggled for almost all of my life. 

Everyone has, obviously.

Hear me out, sometimes, all you needed is some form of validation. I needed to validate on why I'm (and was) feeling a certain way or why I was in a particular situation.

My SOPs and principles in life are very simple. Whenever good or bad things happened to me, I will take a step back and evaluate the whole situation including my mental and spiritual state at that moment. 

Honestly, I usually took these steps when bad things happened (which really needs to change, as I need balance in my life). 

The steps are as follows:

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The good old days of blogging

*image from https://www.garyvaynerchuk.com/
*image from https://www.garyvaynerchuk.com/

I have been contemplating on what to write. 

I have been for a while. Writing one thing after another, going back and forth from one topic to another but none were published.

As I skimmed through my early posts on this very blog, it's obvious I am no longer the same young girl who started a blog. I started a blog for the sake of writing and sharing my thoughts, etc.

Linguistically and style wise, improved, rather well but with more rooms for improvement, of course.

It used to be very open, not very wise but honest. No holds bar, everything was transparent. Mostly candid, naïve and raw. To an extend I questioned my intentions and sanity. 

Perhaps that's what being angsty is all about. Especially now that I am older and slightly wiser, I see it for what it is. It's cringe worthy but also innocent, putting it on a pedestal. It was a young girl's effort, trying to hone her writing skills at the expense of a private life. Young girl no more but a woman I have become now (still open for argument though).

But back in the day, there were no such things like Facebook, Instagram and all those cahoots. Social media was a non-existent term. Blogging was the 'IT' thing for everyone at that time. Okay, for people my age, at that time. 

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*Originally posted on instagram on 8 August 2018

Terima kasih and salam sayang to all who wished me on my birthday. 

The wishes gets more and more grand and overwhelming over the years with the usual suspects, the usual modus operandi(s) and some new friends. 

Counting all my blessings for everything that has happened, good and bad because they are equally as important. 

It made me who I am today. 

I pray that I will never stop or give up to become a better version of myself for me and the people around me.

With another year added in my account, I pray that I will be better than before.

To be wiser than yesterday.
To be mature beyond myself age.
To be bolder than before.
To be stronger than ever.
To be kinder and more forgiving.
To be beautiful inside and out.
To be humble always.
To be present in the moment.
To remember where I came from.
To love harder.
To live.
To be. 


Happy birthday my handsome boy

I love you always and forever

No matter what
No matter how
No matter when
No matter why

I love you always and forever.

- On turning 30 -


It has been a tumultuous year for me, personally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. 

Sweet, bitter, exciting, confusing, amazing, painful, fun, heartbreaking, colourful and sullen... you name it. 

Honestly, it's a pretty abnormal series of events that not everyone can digest or go through. Nor do I wish upon anyone, not even my worse enemies. 

But I survived and hopefully thriving. In Shaa Allah.

Not to say that it has not been wonderful. It's been fantastic as well. 

Therefore, I can't really complain. Life is pretty spectacular.

I owe the most to my father. For always being there, supporting, nursing, consoling, feeding and taking care of me. I know I can be difficult and made it even tougher for him. Thank you for not giving up on me. You are my one true love, my heart and soul. 

My mother, my inspiration and my idol. I hope I haven't let you down. I know you're watching me and I hope you will continue to do so. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you. Al-Fatihah.

My family, my friends and my colleagues, thank you for always keeping me grounded. Thank you for being in my life.

I will forever longed for and miss those who have been absent from my life.
All the 'should have', 'could have', 'would have' and all the 'what 'if'. May it all become something more and flourish (if that even make any sense). Despite all that, I feel rather optimistic, with everything that's going on right now. It feels good and promising. 

Let's pray and hope for the best. For me and for all of my loves. 

And that is how, turning 30 makes me feel.

Happy birthday to me.

* Originally posted on 7th August 2017, on Instagram 

I owe myself an update, actually.

I know, it has been truly ....long since I last updated anything. 

2017 started rather promising I think... in kinda went downhill  somewhere at the end of the 1st quarter.

Work for the past almost 7 months were cray cray. 

My personal life were and are even more cray cray... to an extent... I became numb...

My love life... confusing... even confusing than ever... 


Yes, work. 

In all honesty, I appreciated the fact that I was so busy that I was able to distract myself from what were and are going on in my life. 

Work became quite a sanctuary or sanctum for me. 

I was so frustrated and disappointed with my personal life that the hectic-ness at work was rather calming. It became my ZEN place amidst all the chaos.

Don't get me wrong, work was chaotic, especially during the first to the 2nd quarters of the year. But at the same time, it put me at ease because I didn't need to think about anything else. I was too bloody tired mentally and physically to be thinking about anything else. 

The thing about the work that I do, with projects and events, there's always this sense of satisfaction at the end of it, no matter how frustrated and riled up you get during the processes. 

The best thing about work is that, there's always an end to it, there's always a solution for it. Perhaps that's the very reason why I am unfazed with heavy work load, because I know what to expect at the end of the tunnel.

Aside from that, I feel truly blessed and proud to be working with the team that I am with. Four years ago, if you were to tell me that I work well in a team, i won't believe you. Of course we have our drama and issues but, we do work well together. Truly proud to say it out loud. I highly respect them for all the things that they are capable of.


Where do I even begin? 

That's the problem... I don't know what happened. What went wrong? What? Why? How? Whom? Where?

My gut feeling tells me that it's been going on for quite a while. But my rationale told me that it's too dumb and childish to let 'that' matter be the catalyst. 

Personally, it's bigger than 'that' matter. It's just a lousy, lazy, lame excuse. It was the people involved. When I finally thought that I have everything almost figured out and all the pieces are together, that was when it hit me...


It hit me so hard, that I became speechless and couldn't get up, I literally fell and cried like a baby. I make such an ugly crying face and it's not even funny.

I think I was angry... maybe I am, still. I know I am still but now, the emotions that I am feeling... are remorse, devastated, longing, regret, melancholy, flabbergasted, frustrated and totally like someone who just went through a super difficult heartbreak.

My heart broke, it literally broke, I can tell from the pain that i felt on my chest when it happened. The sudden outburst off haywire emotions, which unfortunately I can't control. 

Self-control was an issue for me. It was during this tough time, I realised why I am so hard on myself and why I am such a control freak. It's simply because I can't control my situation or the people around me, but I know for sure that I can control myself.

It was such a huge revelation for me because I never understood why it was so hard for me to let myself cry, let people see my pain or let people know that I am actually unwell. The very reason why I feel the need to always be strong and independent. It was merely me, applying my ultra self control. I can't bear letting people see me vulnerable or weak.

I finally understand that letting go isn't such a bad thing. It's refreshing, especially after I cry my hearts out. I do wish I can do it more freely and less slow. My reaction is pretty slow... which also affected my love life, I'll get to that later, or not...

Basically, my personal life totally took a back flip. I don't really know where I should stand anymore, at the beginning of it. Now, I feel like, I am just going with the flow. Because you see, no matter how much I deeply love and care for some people, it doesn't mean that they would put me in the same category as put them. 

Everything and everyone became a very opaque mosaic. My love, trust, loyalty and relationships, were totally crushed. I thought nothing could ever surprise me anymore, ever. Boy, I was wrong, totally wrong and that's why I am feeling all the heat and pain. 

There's a lot of pain to get there. It was and is too painful that it felt like getting a cut from a knife is not even at par. It's much worse.

Some people asked me how I am so calmed with all that's happened. 

Allah Taala sahaja yang tahu apa yang saya rasa.

It hurts so much that I fully comprehend on why people opted for suicide. It's really the easiest way out, from where I am looking at. But...

Alhamdulillah, saya beragama Islam dan masih waras (barely).

If it was not for my religion, my rationale, my father, my pets and my friends... I don't know if I would still be here, writing this. 

As for my sleep problem. I know why, I just didn't want to admit it. I think about everything. I think too much. I can't stop thinking. about everything. I distracted myself with psychedelic colourings, hobbies and shits...which I do enjoy, but have grew rather tired and lazy to be pursuing it any further... sweat not, I will get back to it, I just don't know when, but I know I will. I am even struggling to finish a normal chic lit book. Now that's frustrating because I am fast reader. 

I am so into distracting myself that it affected my sleep. 

As at now

It actually took me months to write this down... kept on typing and deleting, over and over for the past few months.

Anyways, I am doing level best to live life... living my life to the fullest (yes, the most cliche thing I can say). 

Despite everything that's happened... I have so much to be thankful of at the same time. 

As I had mentioned, I am taking life as it is and going with the flow. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint to let go of everything so easily. I am human after all, filled with emotions that I can't even describe. The very reason I am pretty calm in this typhoon? My secret? I am always angry (definitely stole that line from The Hulk, but it totally worked and fitted my current state like a glove).

I will ... sooner or later... will write about my birthday, turning 30 and etc. 

Till then....

A Woman's Worth

Found this on Facebook. 

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: 'What kind of man are you looking for?'

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, 'Do you really want to know?' 

Reluctantly, he said, 'Yes.'

She began to expound, 'As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?' 

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought & stated, 'I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.'

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain. 

She said, 'I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.

And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.'

When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. 

He said, 'You are asking a lot.' 

She replied, "I'm worth a lot".

Send this to every woman who's worth a lot.... and every man who has the brains to understand!!


"Always remember that even if something doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t mean that it’s not worth your time.”

I do tend to forget to show my appreciation to the people and things that I have in my life.

I regretted not being able to do or say much to / for my late mom. It's a terrible feeling to feel.

It's not the kind of feeling I wish upon even my worse enemies.

Because of that, little by little I try my best to show them how much I care because there is really no shame in telling you family, friends, pets, my acquaintances, those who matters to me, people who I love... I rather live with that temporary shame rather than living with endless regrets.

It doesn't matter if people doubt my intentions or honesty behind my actions and words.

I just don't want to add anymore regrets in my life.

So yes, I love you.

Each and every one of you, in your very own unique ways. Thank you for being part of my life. The good, the bad, the mean, the terrible, the wonderful, the amazing and all that jazz.

If you're no longer in my life or vice versa, that's too bad but thank you for playing part in my life and thank you, for allowing me to be part of yours.

I love you.

#izylyfe #izygetsphilosophical

it's complicated? that's kinda bullshit

I went out with a good friend of mine on one fine saturday
one of the things that we talked about
was about how you should treat the people around you
how you should treat the relationships that you have around you
doesn't matter if it's friendship, love, family and etc
if you care and cherish it... you will do your level best to make it work
relationships are hard work
especially now, when we're older...
we get caught up with our lives...
it's only natural...
it's a natural course of our lives
it doesn't matter whether you're married, with family, attached or single...or whatever
for a relationship to work... you have to care a whole damn lot to make it work

I was telling him the situation that I am dealing with right now
how a super close friend / relative of mine became literally a stranger
yes, she is somewhat like a stranger to me now
when i decided to spend less time with her
we never really did the whole cut-off-ties thing
just didn't contact each other...at all for a few years
after a major incident that she did...
not gonna say that I am not wrong either...
I am no angel for sure...

the issue was that she asked me to help out with something
and i said yes but later on i realised that i couldn't...
so I informed and told her about it but till today, no feedback
i mean, if you're hurt... let me know
don't leave me hanging

after all the 'fiesta' you've done to my family and your family
you should really be glad that i am still somewhat entertaining you
i tried offering something again today...or was it yesterday...
but again... no feedback...
you know what?
I have had it. your choice

call me a heartless bitch if you must
or ungrateful or whatever you want
I don't think I cared as much anymore

relationships are not complicated
it's not complicated...
you just need to make a decision on how you feel about the other person
how much they mean to you
how much you cared
when you don't even bother to tell them things
that you should be sharing with them
it just proved how much I am nothing to you
and I can live with that

that was what I told my good friend that day
I am writing this down because...
as I was telling him about this
i shared a similar situation with him
when I was upset with him

the fact that he reached out
meant a lot to me (no matter how annoying it was)
because it showed how much he cared
how much he cared about the relationship,
how much he cared about us

I talked about something similar
when i met with another good friend of mine recently
she said that for 2017
her resolution was to get rid of all the negative vibes and to spend more time
with people who actually matters and make the effort
basically the both of us have been burnt quite bad
when it comes to people bailing on us

it irked the heck out of me when people do this
where they constantly tell / told me how much they missed me
we made plans and all that jazz
but... the plans usually fizzled and was not realised

on a personal level
I am an extremely passionate person when it comes to stuff like this
i usually will see through it to have it done
I hate cancelling on people and vice versa
especially with no good reason or prior notice
I do not like being kept hanging

growing older and more mature
made me a more bitter and firm I guess?
not sure if I should say I am bitter but another friend of mine
told me that she find me quite bitter as compared to my happy go lucky character
I am still that person
but life and situation changes you

i longer subscribed to the whole 'people pleasing' channel
I mean, I and trying and doing it...it's still a work-in-progress
it's a tough mindset to get out from
since I grew up in this skewered culture where you need to please people
like...all the freaking time

another thing that i learned
was that... I just have to live my life
without really bothering too much about what people think or feel about me
because at the end of the day, these very people
whom i spent way too much of my time thinking about
don't even think about me at all
and that is the reality of our lives
parts and parcels of our lives

no matter how pitiful or bad you feel about you and the situation you are in
remember to never ever lose hope or give up
on the people who don't give up on you
especially the ones who will never ever give up on you.

i realised that.. no matter what I do or say
there are still going to be...
people who will hurt me
people who will break me
people who will leave me
people who will love me
people who will care for me
people who will be there for me

focus more on the people who matter
focus more on the things that matter

no matter how alone you feel
you are never alone
even if you are physically alone
remember that the Almighty will always be with you, always and forever
but do also remember, so is the devil
as the devil vowed to always be with us humans, till the end of days.

Don't let him know

She never told her love,
But let concealment,
like a worm i' the bud,
Feed on her damask cheek;
she pin'd in thought,
And with a green and yellow melancholy
She sat like patience on a monument,
Smiling at grief

- Twelfth Night, W. Shakespeare

#izygetsphilosophical #izyvibes #izylyfe


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